Lets Get SRS

since we last spoke

2011-09-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

Be well internet!

media roundup

2011-08-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

Hello friends! I'm making a little post to direct you to a couple interviews/notable media pieces I've been involved with. I apologize for not posting more, but there is a method to my madness, and I am still around and well (as well as any struggling artist can be in NYC). I've been trying to minimize my exposure while i'm doing my rounds in the press, I'd like folks to see the site and what I do as an ongoing piece of self-expression, as opposed to a "Look at meeeeee" pattern that is easy to fall into as a blogger. I'm doing my own thing, shooting video and working on projects, expect to see the fruits of my labor once the dust settles a bit.

I've got a press agent in the UK working on my story, a photojournalist just left after taking some portraits for a "faces of fetish" project he's working on, and i'm being flirted with by a couple other media outlets. I've been posted and analyzed by a number of blogs, a 50/50 split of good and bad press. Aaaaand of course, the AB's are still upset that i'm trans, and the trans people are still pissed that i'm AB/DL, and the general public is reacting with gaping maws and vigilant trolling. Still, as I've mentioned in the past most of my readers and people that have responded directly here have been kind and supportive of my decision to get my story out there. Thanks <3

So here we are, check these out...

Big Little Podcast Episode 24: Transgender ageplayers

The Soup: Clip of The Week

NY Observer article about 4chan and Ponies

IDiaper.me article about the episode (great community blog)

IAmA on Reddit

There's a ton of blogs that aren't really worth mentioning, and you can find comments/etc on various videos where there's discussion going on, mostly horrible. As I mentioned, look forward to more stuff soon! I've attached a short little (fake)french film I made back in 2006, a favorite project of mine. It was for a 10-day filmmaking event focused around the theme "Love, Loss, Redemption and the Afterparty". Here's the movie and the write-up, enjoy this little tongue-in-cheek ode to the saddest movies in the world.

"Best Random Act of Artistic Audacity"
Riley Kilo took up the 2006 Sacramento International Film and Music Festival's 10x10 Filmmaker Challenge--to make a flick of no more than 10 minutes in no more than 10 days--with aplomb. Having bravely led a discussion on the brutal cinematic angst of Gaspar Noé at the French Film Fest a few weeks earlier, Kilo went on hilariously and ingeniously to send up arty, existential Euro-poseur vanity in his own nimble short film, L'ordre de reptillian du jour (The Reptilian Agenda). The brief tale of a suicidal mope narrating his despair in pouty pidgin French (with help from subtitles), L'ordre is but one of Riley's "Random Acts," an ongoing series of happenings he describes as a "mixture of performance art, independent media street theatre, live music, and poetry." His character in the movie may be "overcome with shame and remorse," but the actor and director should be duly proud. (Source: SN&R- September 28th, 2006)

(I guess I was a he back then :P I used my christian name, so I changed it later on)

I represent me

2011-07-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick little video talking about life, diapers, TV, everything!

If you're here from My Strange Addiction, check this out <3

Trans FAQ

2011-07-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Here's an FAQ for the site!

Watch on youtube to skip to specific questions, this is a long one!

normal, strange, unique

2011-07-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

Here's a little video where I talk about my life in NYC, my upcoming television premiere and my interest in ageplay/diapers/regression. More words and thoughts and images soon!

Drag March

2011-06-26T07:14:00.001-07:00

It's inspiring to see this many people come together to help redefine gender lines, and express themselves the way they see fit. Of all the videos this weekend, this was the most fun to film/edit

transaction

2011-06-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

Here's a video of the 2011 Trans Day of Action in NYC.

I'd like to clarify a couple comments in the video...

I have a strong belief that Trans-people are a VERY at risk group of people, for suicide, drugs, violence, rape, depression, homelessness, the statistics are there, it's why days like this are so important. I wa a bit disheartened by the amount of time they spent on the "War for Oil", there's so much to be said about being trans and transrights, covering too much can distract from the point.

As for my feelings about Pride, I think it;s a good thing, but much like many other things I find precious, It's been overrun by corporate entities and advertising. It's marketing this image of what it is to be gay, and that doesn't sit well with me. The overwhelming presence of companies like Anheuser-Busch, it seems to be a step-backwards in our progress as a culture, focusing on our vices not on the path ahead.

It's tough for me a little bit, when filming at an event like this, I generally feel out of place due to mot folks seeing me as a genetic female, like I'm an outsider looking in, and on the opposite end, when I'm at more gay/lesbian events, I am a bit out of place for being trans, something many folk still don't understand (or venture to understand).

There's a ton of positive things going on and some negative trends as well, I think it;s important for the community to unite and find a proper groove, things are getting better and better for LGBT people everyday, lets not stop now!

Legalize it

2011-06-25T02:51:00.000-07:00

NY state just legalized gay marriage! I went to Stonewall to capture the festivities leading up the decision, to see the angst and anger or elation and expression. The moments leading up to it were tense, as you can see in the video, and when they finally passed the vote, the bar, streets, whole village exploded. I've seen pride festivals, gay legislature passed, crazy street parties, this was those and more. There was a thick NYPD presence and the city showed it's diversity by the many bystanders that had little to no idea why tons of GLBT people were losing their minds in the streets. The energy of excitement and liberation was there, the weather, mood, music, everything represented clouds opening to bring in a refreshing new glow to a city. There were many glowing couples tonight, part of a discriminated against people who just were allowed another step towards being recognized as equals, many steps to go, but this is a big one. This happened in California, everybody got excited, I was there at the rallys and parties and then it was all taken away, I hope it'll stick this time.

There's a humid smog that resonates over the city this time of year, but tonight was crips, clean, a beautiful June night. There's many people who can breathe a little easier tonight, knowing that a chapter in the fight for legally expressing their love has come to a close. It's another 30 days before it goes through and there's always more bumps in the road ahead, but tonight is awesome, and a majority of New York lawmakers managed to do the "Love" movement a solid tonight. Very exciting, now let's find the next fight (gender rights maybe?) and get behind that with all 100,000 jiggawatts that our community can produce when we unite. Transday of action was cool, lots of different agendas, sign waving and speeches, a nice little march around city hall, but the numbers weren't there yet.

The Drag march was also a bit of a drag, it was more about burningman-esq freak-outery than rights and legislation, and that's cool, just more of a crazy party than anything. It's interesting to see beautiful girls who haven't started and have no desire to transition, just hot made-up men, alongside transpeople, cisgendered people and genderhackers. It's inspiring to see people get down in a unique way, but does pride have the same effect as burning man, when folks go crazy for a small part of the year and then going back to conforming as soon as the playa is washed off or the glitter fades? Who knows, NYC is so terribly diverse that its best not to judge folks off of appearances... wait, that's an awful thing to do anywhere.

Tonight was awesome, I'm exhausted, enjoy the video :) Trans Day of Action and Drag March videos coming soon, I feel like I took part in something historic, I'm totally giddy right now as I sit down at the computer to edit the video you see above. More stuff soooon!

you can react if you want to

2011-06-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

After leaving the club last night, I had a few hundred in my pocket, I felt hot and dirty from the drinks and busy hands of the clientele there. I wrongly expected a strip club, what I found was more of a free-for-all. For context, let me lay down some details of my experience stripping in SF.

The club was a transgender specific venue, dancers on Tuesday and Thursday, drag shows other nights. The strippers started around 10:30 and went until last call at 2, usually didn't get busy until 1. The reason for this was that most of the people didn't come to enjoy the environment, they came to bring a girl home with them. There were 2 authoritative figures, the owner and a bossy DJ, the owner was a smart but strict, kinda mousy and obviously an admirer. He told me the rules my first night there, no nudity off the stage, only topless onstage, no touching or toplessness in the champagne room, no going home with people, everyone dances 3 times a night to a 3 song set, your first night there you had to dance first. There were set prices and lengths for lapdances and the owner kept a close eye on the girls and visitors. The girls kept all the money they made, the drinks were moderately priced and all the bar/door income went to the club.

It was kinda safe, kinda fun, the girls still broke all the rules all the time, but there was at least a facade of authority. At the club in NYC it was much more of a free-for-all, lapdances were twenty but you could get down anywhere, the girls all acted as free agents not as employees. The drinks were super expensive, the club doesn't seem to always host transgirls so the door (which was twice as much as SF) and bar were likely split between the promotor and club.

Both places were equally sleazy, but SF had a bit more charm to it. It was more of a show, and the nights didn't go so long due to bars closing at 2am instead of NYC's 4am. I worked both clubs for the reason I do many things, for the experience. It was interesting to see the part of the transcommunity that you rarely see at leadership conferences and support groups. Sex workers are easily the least protected and most at-risk group, I think solutions come from understanding, and that begins with being able to relate. I have more opportunities available to me than the girls that work those places, even if it's merely youth or longer periods of sobriety or the ability to use a computer. I want to do what I can to help my sisters and at the same time not judge, I've sinned enough to not start picking up stones. I like that analogy so I'm going to stick with it, but honestly, sex work is underground, shameful, not polite conversation yet an inevitable part of society (see "oldest profession"). It happens everyday all the time and I feel we should do overcome the taboo of it and protect those involved.

I will likely be going to the clubs again, but with a different mindset. It seems like a good place to be seen by promoters and industry people, and I've been among the youngest, most natural of the girls there so I've received a ton of attention. When I first walked in, I was completely ignored until the loudest girl (we had one in SF) asked me if I had a cock (same thing happened in SF, except backstage). I like being passable, but I've faced my share of adversity from gay people as well, society is a total mess. I'll be posting more about my adventures both above and below ground, I'll be reporting (semi)live from the frontlines of the gender movement, I'll fill you in on the grimy bits. More stuff soon, stay vigilant and stay proud :)

you can dance if you want to

2011-06-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

I'm crotch deep in this city right now. Its been 2 whole weeks since I came here, and I've already seen/done so much. I've been to transgender meetup groups, set up an appointment for a doctor, started the name change process, went to a few fetish munches and parties, and a day long fetish-con. Tonight I am visiting a club much like one I've mentioned in San Francisco, it's a place where a young, attractive transgirl can make a bit of easy money, if she's willing to take off her clothes and dance. I tend to break it down like that, it helps me rationalize my actions, it also kinda makes me laugh.

I don't know what to expect, I imagine its a strip club and there's rules/methods of doing things, I'm curious to see how NY differs from SF. I'm not desperate for the money, but I'm spending more than I'm making, at least in the last 2 weeks. It's just a really interesting experience, you make good money and meet interesting people. I could walk in the place and be told I'm not cute enough, not transitioned enough, or not a good enough dancer, but I think my body is very marketable at this point. I'm not above using my physical apprerance to get into doors that otherwise would be closed, but I honestly do have a "righteous cause". The internal debate of ends and means is there but complacency rarely wins out, at least since moving to NYC.

I feel hot! I feel sexy, why not do it? I was thinking earlier it surprised me how little I expected to do this, even as a young transgirl. I have never felt as attractive and/or attracted to myself as I am right now, and will stripping effect that? Will it effect my ego, and make me feel less awesome? Some of the coolest people I've known have stripped at one point, my junior prom & senior ball dates both became strippers. There's a HUGE stigma about this, sex workers are not protected by the law, and it is sometimes the only option to make it in the city. I'm sacrificing my reputation (which wasn't immaculate to begin with) to be open about something that many girls can't be. This is real life, I will leave no detail omitted and I can still feel my integrity is intact, it's hard to understand, so I'm putting it down on paper.

I connected with some of the girls in SF, learned a few origin stories, some of it was really sad, we were these shunned little sex workers. There is a very dark side to it all, the things that go on in the backroom, in the cars and tiny hotel rooms, the smeared makeup & roll of twenties on the dresser. You can be torn down by the mindset that everyone sees you as a whore, that you'll never be accepted and these decisions will follow you forever. I already feel like an outcast, I felt like I was compromising my integrity when I was working for a major corporation or a controlling asshole at a coffee shop. I'm smart and tough enough to not get myself into too scary of a situation, and if something awful happens, it's happened as I walked to work or existed in other places within mainstream society, why not have some control over the situation, go underground and stack bills? I need income to achieve my goals, and sometimes we have to take calculated risks.

I went on Cam4 this morning, and had 800 people watching me. I have a photographer or two to work with, I hope to produce a TON of content, of myself and others, and use that money to fund my creative projects, that's the plan, and it looks like it's working out. I'm excited, but still have a ton of work to do I'm going to give these clubs a shot on the east coast, and may my ego be the only thing bruised.

gone and going

2011-06-07T05:35:00.000-07:00

To finish a thought or two from the last post, on the topic of education/ways of learning...

You're not an idiot Riley, you just need a little help now and then. That's why there is a community, to reach out to folks who may not be able to gather the resources themselves. After visiting the pride center as well as a local clinic, I have an appointment to see a Dr. late in July. I have a few other places to check and see if I can get in earlier, but the place where I'm scheduled is supposed to be the best in NYC, contact me for more info if you're from the area. I'll be writing more about the various pride centers I've visited over the years and my most recent experience, all positive and with their own quirks. I'll be keeping you posted as to my progress, this city has inspired me to not only get my transition in gear but to start sharing it with the world to a further degree. LetsGetSRS is being renovated including trying out new looks/setting up some ad-revenue stuff to help finance my adventures.

Moving on, I'm currently headed to a friends in Brooklyn from the NYC pride center in the West Village, I'm getting more familiar with the transit here, its pretty awesome. I put a cute little outfit on and a splash of make-up before heading out, I always try to look my best at the pride centers and I love to pass well enough where they don't know why I'm visiting. The train ride was uneventful, and unfortunately so was the meeting... I showed up and sat in an empty room waiting for the people to materialize, which they never did. It was suppose to be a first Monday name change clinic for folks like myself who want to get more legal, instead it was me feeling kinda lonely and writing this.

Before I left my apartment today I took a nice long shower, and when I got out I caught a glimpse of my growing body in the mirror, and I got all weepy and happy, seeing my little forming breasts, which used to be flat, and then little growing fleshy bits, to actual breasts, I actually have breasts! I've come so far, and I'm at the point where I've made it, i'm a girl, I'm who I've wanted to be. "Good job Riley, you've made it" I said to myself, and I really feel that way. There's still a million things to do, but I'm pretty happy with things right now. I could be less hairy, I could be post-op, I really could do some girly things better, but it's the inner peace that feels soooo good. I'm getting more comfortable everyday, i think my dysphoria has found a happy place, I don't feel so trans, I just feel Riley.

Sooooooooooooo now I have to learn stuff all by myself! Luckily NYC has a ton of resources, I'm going to try and contact the person who was to lead the clinic today, and hopefully that will be a good start. If not, there's quite a few other sites/folks I can talk to. The next step after that and trying to find a clinic that will see me sooner is finding a good hair removal clinic, I have had enough of razor burn, cuts and having to shave my dark-haired Irish self every day. My body hair has lightened, but my chest, face and bikini area could use some love, legs/arms/etc also could use a little laser show.

Other than stuff that's going to make me look/feel better or aid in my transition, my other main focuses right now are cam performance, getting my adult website up and running, finding a consistant photographer and potentially an agent in NYC. Pride is coming up later this month, i'll maybe get a part-time bar/coffee job, and hopefully some freelance video work, there's lots to be done and to do. I have to say, where I'm sitting, the roof of a friends apartment, is amazing, the view! Feeling awesome means more video, more expression, it's really hard to make it through the postproduction process when you can't stand your own visage, everything I shoot here brings a smile to my face, I hope you'll like it too :)

Look forward to some video in the near future, stuff about LGB vs T, the mainstreaming of Pride, trans punk rockers, physical/mental changes, life in the city and other tales. It's been a pretty interesting journey and it keeps getting better and better! Read, share, comment and enjoy :)

Ning

2011-06-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

I'm writing from the subway while headed to the manhattan pride center! I'm optimistic about this being the place to help "legalize" my transition. I haven't had the mental capacity, steady address or money to change my name, I am still legally my Christian name. It's supposed to be pretty easy to do around here, I've got the money and I'm being sent a copy of my CA birth certificate, I don't forsee any issues. My biggest concern is arranging my identification for Thailand, I have a passport, but I'm looking forward to having one with my proper name/gender marker, same with my drivers license. There's lots of resources on the Internet, but much of it is outdated, poorly expressed and confusing, and this gets me on the topic of different ways of learning.

I did awful in school. I was in a ton of advanced programs when I was little and then the classic tale of divorced parents and lack of giving a fuck began. I went from a christian private school to the public school system in Rosemont, California because my folks could no longer afford it, they were barely able to in the first place but wanted to give me and my sibling a proper education. I was smarter than most of my peers, but none of the other kids had that kind of care in their formative years... but they had also been toughened up, I was pasty and tiny, my fear of God and eternity was only equal to my fear of the other kids around me. These were not good times, I was living between my 3 parents, a mom, dad and alcoholic stepfather, I lied about doing my homework and when I did put in the effort, it was often lost it in transit. I was really into computers, hacking and hardware and that became my life, I went to a less trashy middle school, still constantly in flux with my living situation, started making friends and getting into Drama classes, got involved with a casting agency and started working as an actor. The staircase incident put a huge wrench in my plans and kept me from pursuing my digital dreams, still to this day my dexterity is shot. I became very unliked, the kid who assaulted me was very popular, life added a big un to my bearable situation. My two other hobbies at the time, bowling and masturbation, were also hindered. I was suicidal at a very young age, afraid of myself as much as I was god or the devils around me.

Throughout highschool, I mostly made jokes in class, tried to look up girls skirts and read books that interested me. I worked on extra curricular activities like Every15Minutes, I was well liked by the faculty and made friends with students and teachers. I started a ton of clubs (including Jedi Club) and got my ass kicked a number of times for just being small and different, I became friends with the scary trenchcoat kids and eventually started getting respect from bully's. I barely graduated yet I was the only student to speak at graduation, story of my life.

I went to city college for 9 weeks and dropped out, mostly due to a geology class. And that's where this story ends, a little background to help make my point. I have never been able to open a textbook and retain information, taking notes helps a little, but I've learned more from narratives in film/books/other media than I have when I'm using study materials. I've always been a different kind of learner, as opposed to an idiot or lazy, as I was perceived in school. I've never done myself the disservice of getting a clinical perspective on my learning abilities, I would have totally been on all sorts of drugs, but fuck that! The system wasn't designed for us, the millions of people that feel the way I do. Some say ADD/ADHD/Aspie, I was always called "street smart", I feel there's many different ways to learn and all can lead to the same discoveries.

My stops coming up so I'll take my leave for now, look forward to an update and I'll look forward to getting more info to share with you :)

Just Landed

2011-06-01T09:40:00.001-07:00

Here's a little video of me in NYC, just after arriving, very excited :) more stuff soon <3

triflections

2011-05-05T13:27:00.000-07:00

Hello friends! I'm here in Purchase NY, in the closing hours of a long day... How do you quantify a day (in the life)? Other than a short little nap somewhere midstate in NY, i've been up for something like 40 hours, not so strange for me when i'm on the road, sleep is a luxury. I've been up for many, many, many days in the past and I think I'm starting to show my age a bit. I can't keep up with these kings card playing, Notorious B.I.G listening kids... Its cool, I've been there, whatevs, just not feeling it.

-Next morning------------------------

I had a great time yesterday. I slept on the floor between a mattress and a couch, close to an affectionate new girly friend, I am still kinda running on fumes, I'm heading upstate to visit some friends and eventually find my way back to my little apartment. I've been out so much, I miss my crib, I have my Teddy and diapers and a backpack with clothes and supplies, I'm equally used to having all of my possessions on my back and keeping cute on the road. I feel like the last two weeks have been stretched out over an epic trilogy, Lord of the Riley, something like that... here it goes, the last 2 weeks or so, the motion picture.

------

The first movie is about a young girl who shows up in NYC, everything important to her on her back, camera in hand, looking for opportunities, friends, adventure! Like a midnight cowgirl, shes willing to do whatever it takes to be successful, but also refuses to sacrifice her own morals to get there. She sees herself slowly undressing in front of the camera, she feels special and beautiful and empowered, she feels like her is just a way to get people to open up to what's in her mind. She meets old friends who have escaped her hometown and are changing the world, she too has big city aspirations. Is this place for her? Is She capable of learning/doing what she needs to flourish there. We follow her from a gathering of minds in Jersey to an artists compound in the Bronx to the bars, smoke filled rooms and underground clubs of Brooklyn, meeting visual artists, writers and innovators along the way.

The second film has a darker tone, our hero finds herself in a place not too far from the city, but the mindstate is worlds away. She finds herself floundering, feeling lost and directionless, without motivation or structure. She struggles in the suburbs, happy & appreciative of the kindness she's been shown, but she's hungry and this place she fears will not sate her. Our flower needs a garden growing tall around her be inspired, motivated, to open her petals to the world. She finds herself feeling the same sadness she did in her place of origin, she just wants to blossom but sometimes the suns rays are obscured.

In the 3rd chapter (by no means a finale) we again see her life in a bag, heading towards the city. She arrives in a bizarre microcosm of the world called "college". She sees her life if circumstances were different, she's not jealous, she's happy with her path regardless of the adversity she's faced. Her prized possession is her experiences, she doesn't have all the facts but she's had the real life tests. She realizes that she can't make it all happen by herself, a fellowship must be formed to make a real difference, what she's up against is bigger than one person. Drawing from the strength of the people around her, the trifecta (triforce?) of ideas, adventures and opportunities join together, she knows that anything is possible. The film ends with our hero sitting on a Greyhound, she draws her sword and puts it to paper...

Fade out, roll credits, lights come on, the palettes have swapped their reels and everyone has left the theatre, but everyone involved knows that's she's still out there and her quest is far from over <3

mulling and sniffling

2011-04-23T13:27:00.001-07:00

Hello there! I'm just writing to say another quick hello, I've been thinking about this last week, my time in Jersey, the Bronx and Brooklyn and the opportunities I have ahead of me. I have a bit of text i've written in a couple different states, mentally and geographically, but nothing ready to post. I've got a little case of the sniffles, and my brains been a little stormy. I don't like talking about bad dreams, because I think that just spreads them. The topic i'm trying to breach, this moments darkness comes from Baltimore... I've been following @buckangel on twitter and theres been much ado about this article.

Frankly, I've been pretty upset about this "shock video" McDonalds assualt on a transwoman article, i don't recommend watching the video. Essentially some folks beat up a transgirl for using the wrong bathroom... I've never been beaten up that bad, but I've feared for my life, I've been assaulted, I've had scary things happen in bathrooms. These things are to the point where I'm having difficulty speaking on it, part of who I am now is getting over some of those negative things and do what I can to make things better, I don't need to go to that negative space right now. I feel so sorry for that woman, I imagine myself at 22, the fear and vulnerability, confusion. Will it ever get better? Will a petition really change anything, or is it energy in a passive direction when action is needed? What can I possibly do to help?? Seeing this happen kinda makes it seem like nothings changing, and thats whats wearing on my mind...

The news is hardly covering the transgender aspect, there still seems to be a disbelief that transpeople can be innocent victims of hate-crimes, theres always for blame on the victim if the victim is a transgirl. I'm pissed, I'm upset, I'm ready to do bathroom sit-ins and pry off signs, bathrooms are the battlegrounds where the battle for gender equality begins, and it's not us who started it. I'm seeing other members of the community stand-up and take charge, it makes me feel stronger, makes me feel positive about where we're going and whats happening... its funny how the news can effect your personal life... since I saw the video about 24 hours ago, it's been in the front of my mind, getting the wheels spinning, the fire burning. Reality has a way of just crashing down on us like that.

I'm cheering up, ok, i listened to 30 seconds of this and feel a little better. Here's a picture of my new haircut... I've been beaten down, but still feel beautiful.

To all the folks out there on the internets, stay strong, we're in this together.

(Update) - Here's a link to an interview with the victim. I fear this incident will be only a reminder of how poorly we're treated, as opposed to a catalyst for change.

upstate again

2011-04-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

Hello! I'm back from NELIcon in Jersey & a few days in NYC, just checking in to say that I've got some new pics, video and stories on the way! It was quite the adventure, and I'm looking forward to sharing it with you!

more stuff soooooon!!!

depressive character (or) floundering

2011-03-28T09:07:00.001-07:00

It's tough being me. I've had a very long life in my short time here.

I miss California, I miss my friends and the familiar places. I miss the warm weather.

You'd think after all my travels I wouldn't get homesick, but I've never really had a home, just a sunshiny state and the streets of a city that taught me everything I know, good and bad.

I'm tired, but can't sleep. Hungry, but can't eat. Sad, but can't cry. Happy, but can only smile for pictures.

I still have quite a bit of work to do in my life before I can honestly say things are right for me.

I've come a long way, but still have miles to go.

This is merely me embracing the full spectrum of human emotions... or whatever.

Here's some of my favorite pics of me with famous people.

Cheer up Riley, go take a nap and you'll feel better, you'll get your motivation (mojo?) back soon enough.

(blame it on the hormones)

little riley needs to fly

2011-02-26T16:27:00.001-08:00

it's a beautiful thing
to my people who keep an impressive wingspan
even when the cubicle shrink
-

Hey there friends... new post, new thoughts and feelings, new reasons to smile.

I'm back in New York... done with my business in California.

I've got 6 months more of hormones, had a great experience at planet parenthood, and have plenty of time to get established with a doctor who can see me through the rest of my transition... awesome. I have much to say about the whole trip, but for now I'd like to talk about a film that's had a profound effect on my life, it's a perfect allegory for many of my experiences in life and has led to much self-realization. I once thought the film was about following your dreams... but really, it's about more than that.

-
I've never had a dream in my life
Because a dream is what you wanna do, but still haven't pursued
-

"Little Dieter Needs To Fly" is a documentary by Werner Herzog examining the life of Dieter Dengler, a german-born Navy pilot who was shot down over Laos during Vietnam. He spent about 5 months detained as a POW, during his time he was subjected to torture and inhumane living conditions, he escaped and was rescued by a stroke of luck, he was around 90 pounds, broken and malnourished. His time as a POW is a sad, scary story of ruthless people acting as they do during times of war, it's an amazingly true tale of survival and overcoming the evils we face. Herzog made a more recent film dramatizing this experience, "Rescue Dawn", with Christian Bale playing Dieter, it's an decent companion piece but doesn't really stand on its own. What makes this story notable isn't just the heroism or the endurance of the human spirit, it's Dieter himself, the passion he's embraced and the manner in which he conducts his life.

Let me elaborate.

Dieter was a young boy in Germany, his family was strong but poor, he recalls his grandfather as the only one in town who voted against the Nazi's. One night, his village was being attacked and he witnessed a plane fly right by his window, guns blazing, and that was to be his greatest inspiration. He says in the film that seeing that plane was the moment he knew that he was going to be a pilot, he needed to fly, little Dieter needed to fly. He finished his schooling, packed up his things and left to pursue his goal, Germany had no airforce at the time and so he went to where he could become a pilot, America. He put in his time as a grunt and eventually started flying, was later assigned to do missions over Laos, where he was shot down. After his crash, detainment, rescue, and lengthy recovery he became a jet pilot and later a test pilot, surviving 4 more crashes. He flew until he retired at 59, lived in San Fransisco until he ended his own life shortly after being diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs Disease.

I knew what I wanted and did it till it was done

So i've been the dream that I wanted to be since day one

When asked about being a hero, Dieter says "I don't think of myself as a hero. No, only dead people are heroes". I'm writing about Dieter Dengler because he's my hero. He taught me just how amazing life is, and how we can overcome our own individual struggles, no matter how intense. When I was midway through 3rd grade, my parents got divorced and transferred from Christian school to Rosemont public school district, which was about as scary as post-war Germany. Martin Luther Kings dream of the white children and black children playing together was hardly a reality, the crooked were still crooked, and hate still thrived. Through being a tiny kid with glasses, running from bullies and not feeling safe, I found my hope. One day after school, I saw one of my classmates waiting to be picked up, she was wearing a big poofy pink dress, likely on her way to confirmation. Seeing that dress, I knew that I wanted to wear it, be around it, I wanted to feel pretty, I wanted it to be ok that I was the one in that dress. That dress to me is Dieters plane, a vision of what the rest of my life would be, a goal, a passion, a reason to be.

I didn't get to wear that dress, well, at least not then. I grew up, adventured out into the world, into a world I had only seen in movies and read in books, away from the things I was comfortable with. The suburbs were devoid of culture, so I put on a Velvet Underground record and went downtown. I put in my time as a hipster boy, graduated highschool and started being who I wanted to be. In the process of exploring myself and what the world had to offer, many sad, unfair, life changing things have happened. There are things that I have talked about on here, and things that I may never talk about, people have hurt me and I've hurt myself, events I can't even bring myself to recollect. I've missed opportunities, left people behind, broken solidarity with much of society, all in the name of being an individual and exploring all that our culture has to offer. I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing, I just knew I was going to do it or live a life wishing I would have. The times i've feared for my life, the times i've been broken and bruised, the darkest times, the times that I would never wish on anyone, they have not stopped my pursuit of happiness.

-
I'd rather live it

cause dreamers always chase but never get it
-

I'm older now, and the things that have passed have done just that, passed. My dream is that the difficulties I've had may never happen to other folks, with allies and other people who understand the importance of self-worth and self-expression can make it a goal, make it a reality. I have the utmost respect for those who have seen harder times than myself, and nothing makes me happier than seeing someone express themselves in the way they see fit. Dieter and I both know that the world has a way of kicking you when you're down and also that life can be as amazing as you make it. My goal is to live as a girl and to be able to be myself, i've gone through hell to make it this way and will continue to climb into the cockpit. I will keep vigilante because that's who I am, Dieter is a pilot and I'm a girl, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm the happiest I've ever been. I have a future ahead of me that is unsure and writhe with possibility, I do not fear the unknown. For the rest of my life I'm going to be following my passions, writing, filming, exploring and sharing all I learn. Know that everyday has endless potential, and you really can do anything you desire, this world is a big sandbox. We convince ourselves that money and comfort is the goal when true happiness comes from setting your own. Little Dieter Needs To Fly taught me how amazing the world is, the beauty of it all, even through all the grime. I'm going to end this post with another Aesop quote. Thanks for reading.

Life's not a bitch

Life is a beautiful woman.

You only call her a bitch 'cause she wont let you get that pussy.
Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests.
Or maybe you're just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess.

back back to cali cali

2011-02-13T13:43:00.001-08:00

Alright! I've got tickets back to California! I'll only be there for a couple days and I didn't spend the grand it cost to fly me back, and neither did any of you. I'm happy this worked out the way it did, my lack of hormones and this subpoena happened at just the right time, thanks synchronicity for always watching my cute little diapered bottom <3 I'll be able to get my hormones there, I will likely take care of all that with ease. I'm pretty excited, I'm going to be in SF and busy, busy, busy the entire time so it won't be a fun visit, but it will be a productive one. Thanks for reading, and for the concern while i was kinda floating, unsure of my future.

Well, that was Easy! More stuff soon <3

Options!!!

2011-02-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

Hello friends!

This is the hormonal situation I’m in right now. I have about 2 weeks left of hormones left, and no way to get any more through my previous prescription. I could potentially find myself back in California for no more than a couple days for a legal matter. This is something that has nothing to do with me, but still something I could get subpoenaed for. I’m a good girl and I didn't do anything wrong, but this court case has been wearing on my emotions for quite some time, it will be good when it’s over. I will find out in the next few days if I have to head back, I wouldn’t pay for the trip, and this will be the last time I will mention it. If I was in California I would simply visit planned parenthood there and get another 3 or 6 months of hormones.

If that doesn’t happen, here are the other options.

1.) Seeing a doctor here in Western New York, and paying out of pocket. I’ve had a couple recommended to me, but that’s not really a great option financially. When I get a job I could likely afford that, this would be ideal, I miss being employed! I would also potentially get healthcare if I was gainfully employed, which would mean I could see a doctor here with ease. If I don’t get a job, which is unlikely as I’ve had a couple positive leads lately, I will get my owed unemployment whenever the terribly overburdened Califonia Courts finalize my case (late feb/early march) and be able to see a Doctor that way.

2.)Visit a Planned Parenthood in NYC that offers transgender care, financially straining due to paying out of pocket (sliding scale) and travel costs, but a perfectly viable option. The planned parenthoods of WNY do not offer Trans services

3.) Order hormones online. Not the best solution but would work in a pinch, definitely an option. I will likely make this happen if I don’t head back to California for a short time. I don’t look down on folks that go about this method, but I also don’t recommend it, especially if you have health issues.

~~4.) Stop taking hormones~~

As I’ve said before, I’m learning throughout this whole process and I'm in no way an expert at this, I’ve done a wealth of research but still have much to learn. Just know, I'll always take great consideration in my choices, and always make sure to keep my overall health as a main focus in my life. I’ve included a video that says much of what I’ve said in this post, I’ll be filling you in with the details as soon as I know what’s going on, right now there’s a tons of options ahead of me, I’m just waiting to see which one is going to be ideal. I'm glad I have so many options, I guess that's why I've been so optimistic. I guess it proves you can make it happen if you really want it.

If you’re going to donate to the blog, now would be the time to do it. There’s a paypal link on the sidebar, I'm doing well but the help, well, it helps. I've got hair removal and SRS ahead of me, and that stuff isn't cheap! If you do, please leave your email so I can contact you personally. Thanks so much for reading, and as I say in the video, this isn’t bad, I’ve got a ton of options and they all will lead to a positive future.

More stuff soon <3

A Country Doctor: Post-Visit

2011-02-08T07:17:00.000-08:00

Here's the video, as promised.

More stuff soon <3

Moon over Parma

2011-02-07T18:01:00.000-08:00

"There are many black cows, but they all make white milk"

-Pennsylvania Dutch saying I learned on the greyhound to Cleveland

Hello friends. I made a new video, it's all edited but I need to render it overnight... gotta love HD video. I know many folks can't watch the videos, I prefer that method because I tend to write like I talk, and much of the inflections and feeling is lost in text, but I also love to write and the written word has great power, so here it goes.

I had set up the appointment because my Kaiser healthcare isn't available in NY, the closest available doctor was in Cleveland Ohio. I set-up a new Kaiser number for Ohio, set up an appointment with a M.D. and made travel plans. I didn't have background on my doctor other than a simple fact sheet that Kaiser provides, and wasn't able to open any lines of communication between me and her before the appointment. I mentioned I was transgender to the appointment setter, and she assured me that the best thing to do was to just go in and go from there. I asked if there was a specialist, and she said no, but the doctor would be able to work with me once I got there, and that the doctors are willing to see any kind of patient. I wasn't sure if transgender care (from bloodtests to SRS) was covered by Kaiser, but I could use a check-up regardless of if it ultimately ended in hormones/transitional care.

Upon arriving about 2 hours early, I was brought into the exam room about 15 minutes after my appointment time and waited over an hour due to some issues with my Doctor messing up her password too many times and having to talk to the tech help desk. In accordance to NY state law, I could legally record the conversation for my own private purposes without her consent, so I did, it was never brought up through this entire experience, I just wanted to document this step more efficiently. When she finally came in, she alluded to being in the wrong room, largely due to my legal name still being a masculine one. I assured her she was in the right room. I told her I go by Riley, which she ignored throughout the appointment. She asked me what medication I was taking, I then spent the next five minutes explaining the purpose and effects of Estrogen and Spironolactone. She asked me basic questions, and then "what my issues were" I told her I was healthy but seeing her for a general check-up and bloodtests, as well to discuss where I was going with my transition. She asked me about "transgender meaning you have male or female genitalia?" and the lump in my throat grew twice the size, I told her I was physically and operationally male.

At this point she started her diatribe about how she didn't have any experience in this, and that . At this point I said I was aware that this might be the case, but was hoping to be referred to another doctor that did have experience. At this point she said she'd talk to the endocrinologist and see what, if anything, the endo could do. When I mentioned the Harry Benjamin standards of care, she cut me off with dismissal and "I can't help you and I'm perfectly happy to tell you that". She ran through some personal questions, including whether or not I got periods, in which I had to reassure her that I had male genitalia. She did a quick physical through my layers of clothing, said "I was an unsual situation" and "a challenge" then walked out the room, closed the door and went into her office to use the phone. I could hear the office chatter and her on the phone, she was speaking loudly and my Itouch could pick up quite a bit of the conversation, I could hear all of it quite clearly, as I'm sure everyone in the waiting room and nurse staff could as well. She started with the conversation with "I have a strange situation here" and used words like "apparently" and "supposedly" in reference to my healthcare situation, which was entirely valid and paid for. The worst of it all is she used my full legal name in the same breath as the word transgender, giving up my personal information to a office full of strangers. At the point at which I can only assume that the endocrinologist told her that she didn't do transgender care, she quickly agreed, "I thought so" and hung up.

Upon returning to the room she again told me that she can't help me, and that the endo said "there's been other issues like this". I asked her if that meant that this office wouldn't have anything to do with a transpatient, and she said "that's correct". She then mentioned there was an individual at Cleveland Metro who works with transgender patients and "was terribly sorry she couldn't help me, but she just can't" and walked out of the room, this is the last time I spoke with her. An intake nurse walked in and spoke with me about the standard blood tests that I could take, but I had a strong desire to just get out of the building/city/state. I mentioned the loudness of my Doctors phone call, she said I was a customer and I had the right to complain. She was sympathetic, said "it's even worse if you can hear it" and "she said that to your face?" Then, with a smile, she re-iterated something she had said when I first came into the office, that my doctor was "old-school", whatever the fuck that means.

As a side note, I'm not trying to paint the picture that this doctor as a monster, I'm just telling you what happened. She was confronted by something new and strange, and people react poorly in those situations, these are the failings of an unenlightened culture. Back to the story, on my discharge papers there was an allusion to my medication being declined, and the nurse said the pharmacy had just called and asked if it was to be filled, and that it wouldn't be. I'm not sure exactly, but I had further refills on my hormones and it seems as if they were preemptively declined by my doctor, cutting my several months of hormones left down to what I had on hand, 2 weeks of estrogen and spiro. At this point I decided it was best to just leave this whole situation behind me, and on walking out I was greeted with stares and sheepish smiles, as if they knew something they weren't supposed to.

I walked out of the building, got on the phone with planned parenthood in California and found out the doctor who had signed my original prescriptions had moved on from that office, and that I would need to physically come in to renew my prescriptions. I stayed tough, trudged to the snow to my hour long RTA ride from Parma back to downtown Cleveland. I filled a large McDonalds cup full of cheap wine and hopped onto the Lakefront Lines bus back to NY, a 4 hour red-eye trip of contemplation and feeling like shit. I shared my libations with a mohawked kid from Detroit who sat next to me, he was happy to have a friendly girl to talk to while he was on his way to the city, he was making the trip to bury his father. We talked about our favorite music and movies the whole time and took turns playing Dead Space on my Itouch. I met my friends at the bus stop in NY, big hugs, went home, got into my PJ's, hugged my teddy bear and cried myself to sleep.

And here I am. The girl you see in the videos, the smiley, pleasant young woman, that's really me. I have a temper, sure, but I don't show my cards, not ever. I internalized all this, and will use this experience to work towards a better future. I wanted to call my doctor a hick and ignorant and all sorts of things, but I kept my cool, I did everything I could and took the experience with me, the one who raises their voice to a yell is always the loser in any situation. I walked away with my pride intact, one of the few things I have left. I've got a wealth of options ahead of me, but I'll save that for my next post... rest assured, I will continue taking the hormones I have and get more before I run out. I've always been able to come up with whatever I need and this time will be no different, nothing will stand in my way. I started this post with a quote that I don't quite understand, but i'm going to end it with something that makes much more sense to me.

I feel like talking but don't preach
I'm all right
God don't make no junk
So you see
I'm all right
There's nothing wrong with me
-the halo benders

A Country Doctor

2011-02-05T10:19:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, watching Ziggy Stardust, big day ahead of me.

There's a new look for the blog, I wanted to be able to do more with this site and couldn't with my old template.

Expect changes.

The Doctors appointment was a failure in almost every regard. More info once I've spilled it all out.

I'm feeling good, I've got every reason to be depressed or self destructive, but i'm not.

My options have changed, I have to figure things out but I'm not worried.

more stuff soon

Give me the news

2011-02-03T03:49:00.001-08:00

Hey there! I'm headed to my doctors appointment, super excited, woke up early, long day of crossing state lines but it'll be nice to get some professional care! More stuff soon!!!

in my head

2011-02-01T16:03:00.000-08:00

Hey there! Here's a new video about how hormones have been effecting my mind!

I know it sounds complicated and i'll be exploring different aspects of it, but the video is a pretty concise idea of whats going on in my little head.

more stuff soon!

funemployment

2011-01-31T07:35:00.000-08:00

Quick background on my employment situation

I was unfairly fired in June 2010

I worked at a fine coffee/cafe establishment

I was not told why I was fired and the true reason remains a mystery

I joined the workforce as early as I could

I have worked in coffee, at an indie theatre, venue/bars, sushi, Tower records/video, Target, Staples, call centers, and others.

I have had consistently bad luck with lay-offs and places closing down, but have never pursued unemployment.

I had never been fired before and maintain positive relationships with many of my past jobs.

I enjoy and often find promotion work, for venues, events, alcohol/cigarette surveys, granola, farmers markets etc.

I started a computer consultation company at 14 and still occasionally provide affordable tech support and training.

I have always been good at finding unique ways to sustain myself when between jobs.

I have an awesome resume and refuse to exploit the unemployment system, momma didn't raise no welfare recipient .

I understand it's purpose and receiving a stipend for my unfair firing will help me get back on my feet after the sudden firing, losing my apartment and being labeled "unhirable".

I in no way look down on folks who receive unemployment or disability.

I love being employed and employable.

I won't likely receive anything until late feb/early march due to the clogged CA legal system.

It's finally over!

Check out the sidebar for tagged posts about my situation! hooray! more video tomorrow!

instant

2011-01-26T14:18:00.000-08:00

This post is just a quick note to ramble a little and make everyone aware of a new FaceBook feature, Instant Personalization.

Bit of irony, some 30 years ago John Lennon wrote and recorded Instant Karma

Mark Zuckerburg's facebook got hacked, would you still go to a bank where the presidents account got compromised? If it was the only bank in town, maybe, but i'd probably just hide all my cash under the mattress.

Fetlife would be that mattress. It's a facebook for adults, post pics, talk in group and communicate with your internet and RL friends. All the satisfaction of making and receiving comments and expressing yourself in little ways, but no billion dollar industry behind it. Many people use facebook to communicate with your folks or old friends, but remember that it's just a giant marketing tool, feeding off of our individuality.

Check out your privacy settings later tonight, it's automatically set to "Enable", much like Google Buzz which was a huge disaster and cause for a multi-million dollar class-action suit.If you're an AB/DL person whose facebook hasn't been deleted already, I suggest you do so, like youtube it's turned into a playground, not a place for that kind of content, it can just stir-up negative feelings towards the community as a whole.

Be smart, be safe, more stuff soon, i'll end this post with a couple Glenn W. Turner samples from Death Cab For Cuties "Amputations"

"If we seem nutty to you, and if we seem like an oddball to you, just remember one thing: the mighty oak tree was once a nut like me."

"I pray to God that one day he'll grant me the power to reach out and hold my hand over you and give you instant belief because you don't have instant belief. You've been hooked, you've been crooked, you've been lied to so many times that you're suspicious, mind you, and when the right thing comes along you don't believe it. When I'm here knocking at the front door, you're at the back door looking for four leaf clovers, and when you find it, you think someone playing you dirty fool. Whats the angle? You look for an excuse. In this modern day and age, we have instant coffee, instant tea, instant disbelief. That's the reason we never become anything. It's because we will never believe in ourselves. We'll always listen to the mass majority. If everybody's making fun of you and criticizing, you know you're on the right track, something most of the people aint got..."

good

2011-01-25T16:51:00.000-08:00

looks like things are coming up Riley...

FINAL decision - The California Court Of Appeals has ruled in my favour! It's all over folks!

Looks like it's going to be early March until I get anything from it, but regardless of what I get for the last 6 months of living with a firing on my employment record, it's over and things are good, i've got a clean slate and i'm happy to be over it. There's so many wild things that have happened in this whole affair, I'll have to make a little video to explain it to all of my bloggy friends.

I'm in love with you guys! This site and the folks i've met through it have been keeping me going through the rough times. I have a very simple outook on life, everybody needs a reason to be. This site is really important, and the message behind it! Let's be socially conscious, get the word out that AB/DL rights are important! Let it be known, that trans and ABDL people aren't freaks, fetishists and perverts, we're just normal people who found a new way to express ourselves.

Feel great my friends, I do too!

It's over, thank god it's over, my employment and fine coffee reputation are clear, I can move onto big and better things. Canada, NYC and the whole East Coast has and will accept me with open arms.

*puts on an old pair of old doc martens and stomps right out the door*

it's a secret

2011-01-25T06:31:00.001-08:00

its really cold outside...
this organization isn't about problems, it's about solutions!

<3 climates where you can wear footy sleepers under your clothes!

Off into the tundra, On a quest to complete my unemployment situation, a decision has been made, getting the details today. Very excited, it's been over 6 months since I was unfairly fired, 3 rounds of appeals, but it looks like it's all over. I'm 99% sure i've won, no court would accept the nonsense they put in their last appeal.

Wish me luck, warmth, and I'll soon be able to finally say i've walked 3 miles in the snow, both ways, uphill... I'm doing it for Social Justice and those two other things that make the world go 'round... money and spite.

<3 more stuff sooooooooooon

Natural Beauty

2011-01-22T13:57:00.000-08:00

All is well in the world of Riley... i'm pretty sure... right?

Hope you enjoy the video, it's something of great beauty.

available in 720p on youtube <3

ruff

2011-01-22T13:13:00.001-08:00

Today's been a rough day.

Ever feel like no matter how hard you try you just can't help but mess things up?

Well, you just have to take a deep breath, and realize that it's better to push through than dwell.

It's tough. Be tough.
Learn from it Riley.

grrrr...

tell me about it...

2011-01-19T20:50:00.000-08:00

Hey there again, pull up a chair and i'll fill you in.
This post is about a favorite topic David Bowie and I share, changes

I've found myself in an entirely new place, a new climate, and in many ways a new way of life. If you've been following my site you know that I was born and raised in Northern California, I've been as far as Beijing, I've flown around the world, I've seen back rooms in mexico, driven through a tree in the redwoods, been engulfed in the stench of NYC and seen the leaves change in New England. An old friend told me just today, that NorCal will always be my home, and someday I'll return to the "old country", and I didn't disagree. My friends and family are there and I have some responsibilities that will require me to return temporarily now and then, but for now NorCal is behind me, merely a mix of great and sad memories.

If I wrote a movie about that town, it would be the blackest of comedies, a low-rent "Less Than Zero", a true version of "Million Little Pieces" all with the strength and confidence Hedwig. I've been mugged, beat up, I've slept on the streets, I have had some pretty brutal times. I can't step out of a car without someone recognizing me, I still would run into folks who knew me by my christian name. I was Homecoming King in High School, not as popular as I was well known. I've been called queen of the townies, a lifer in "sactown", I know the town like the back of my hand, from working at Tower Records to being a barista at the towns finest coffee establishments. My face is well known and though I've been expressing myself as a woman for the last 5 years, there were scruffy days and folks that remember me from before my "coming out". Even outside of my hometown, in the bay area and surroundings the faces and places are the same, the west coast has been my playground and it's time to grow up. You don't have to be Harry Benjamin to understand that ones transition can go smoother in a place where you don't have those constant reminders of your boyhood.

Drugs got me down, after high school I found myself in the downtown art scene, which (obviously) was hand in hand in the downtown drug scene. Rock shows and Pabst were my life, I was always filming, always active, always on the streets, always hustling towards the next show, the next project, the next endeavor. I felt so cool, my life was a movie, I was meeting tons of folks and experiencing thing that I never imagined, I started giving ends to my friends and it felt stupendous. I lived this life for a long time, highs and lows, adventures and tragedies. I've always worked 40 hours a week at an office or coffee shop, bar or venue, and spent the rest of my time on the streets and much less time sleeping. I've spent enough of this blog reiterating those old times, later on I stopped all the really bad stuff, but still maintained a bit of a cigarette/alcohol problem, which in my experience are the most destructive and addictive of all the drugs I've done, and I've done them all... twice.

I've been missing my highschool glory, I was totally sober back then and was really blossoming creatively, but the stress of my homelife and not being able to express myself in a manner that showed my true self frustrated me, I looked for something new. The warm embrace of a raging party welcomed me into a world that I wasn't allowed to experience in high school, probably for the best, I was pretty much failing out to begin with. I had lost faith in the system at a very early age, and the underground welcomed me with open arms. I could blame my drunken, chainsmoking stepfather or depression or the people around me for my "decline", but it wasn't all bad, and i'd rather just move on.

Riley's big adventures aren't even close to over, this one might even be the biggest so far. I have many fun, amazing times ahead of me, I'm just sober enough to remember them. I've been a really good girl since I stepped on that plane, I can look back to those times and not focus on what I was taking, but on what I was doing, the experiences I was having. Sobriety is really easy if you really want it, and I've finally gotten to the point where I really want it. I didn't come here for rehab, I came here to find a new place, and that's a great time to leave those things behind. I love cold weather and the snow here is really magical. I'm in a place with all 4 seasons, compared to norcals 2, hot and cold. I'd love to see what Canada has to offer, Toronto has always been a destination for me, it seems like a great place to make film. This part of the country has more big cities you can easily travel to, NYC is more my vibe than LA and it's just a train ride away, as is Boston, one of my favorite cities on the planet. No one in a 1000 mile radius knows my legal name, the friends i'm staying with are kind and supportive, and the other folks I've met have been pretty friendly too. I plan to get in with the local trans-groups and start kicking ass for civil rights.

New York State is a fresh start, no crazy coffee shop owners or old lovers, no bad memories, just a chance to create new ones. I miss parts of the west coast, but I won't let that hold me back, i'm going to see what this place holds. My next step? Writing, filming, getting in contact with transgroups here and eventually across the border. I want to visit my friend and fellow blogger in Brooklyn, I'm barely off the plane, so I might even get a little bit of rest. A decision has been made in my Unemployment case, I should know within the next few days, but I'm 99% sure I won. Even when I get conformation that I did win, it will likely be late February before I get anything from it. I could care less about the money at this point, I just want a clean employment record and my old employer to get their comeuppance. I've already applied for a couple part-time jobs around here and my awesome resume and even more awesomer (?) confidence will surely land me something to occupy the time that i'm not in front of a camera or spilling out my soul on this little corner of the internet.

Clarity is wonderful, I'm warm and happy and looking forward to a busy year. I feel great, life is precious and amazing and I've been taking my hormones everyday, for the first time I really feel like I'm on the right path, I've been planning this for a while and it turned out better than I expected. My old struggles have been overcome and I welcome the new ones, I can tackle anything that comes my way. Hormones are my new adventure, living 100% as a woman, it's going to be awesome. My friends are supportive and caring, and i'm looking forward to the new people i'm bound to meet. Bowie and I may agree on many points, but I won't look back in anger, just look forward to my bright future... I never thought i'd see anything brighter than the California sun until I saw light reflect off the snow.

Here's to reflection and moving forward <3

more words soon...

Snowfall

2011-01-18T17:57:00.000-08:00

Here's a little video, words can't explain how lovely my new environment is so I'm clearly at a loss for them.

more words soon, explanations, thoughts, feelings and wonderment.

Stay warm my friends :)

Trap Shooting

2011-01-17T06:35:00.000-08:00

::insert soviet russia joke here::

more stuff soon <3

reason for the season

2010-12-23T23:16:00.000-08:00

Once...

There was a 7th grade me pretty close to getting beat up by a bully, I was tiny and wore glasses, bullies could smell the fear on me. I defended myself by saying "but it's Christmas time?!?", regardless of the fact that it was March. It got the kids watching laughing, it disarmed the asskicker and prevented an asskicking, kinda like "you wouldn't hit a girl with glasses?". I'm a lover, not a fighter, but a talker first and foremost. This post isn't about me avoiding asskickings, its about Christmas cheer!

Winter is a time for people to migrate or hibernate, I'm sure over the course of human existence the times when people set aside their differences were times when you needed a warm cave to sleep in. I'm sure the first Christmas was some cavemen sharing some nuts and iguana meat and a warm slab to rest on or a dip in the hot springs, just a friendly gathering at Uggs cave. Simply, we celebrate this time of year because it's cold outside and we do well in packs.

Winter is a brutal season even here in sunny California, and a majority of folks around here see homeless people as subhuman, and the laws prove that. Some bad examples exist and help mold the public opinion, but not every homeless person is fucked up on drugs, just the ones that make themselves noticed. But compassion is out there and i've seen much kindness first hand. I've heard stories of families offering fresh blankets and garages and spare rooms to people who would otherwise freeze to death or end up in jail due to sit/lie laws. I've seen punkrock teenagers making big pots of miso and warm wheat bread, I've seen people share their lunch, their money, their time with people in need, it's beautiful. I've seen some sad, sad things in my travel, spoke with the lost and the dead and dying and learned there's hope among the despair. Many people do choose to be homeless, but you can see it in someones eyes if they are really in need.

I am comfy and warm in a good friends apartment that I'm subletting, a roof over my head and *warmth* are two things I will never take for granted. Enjoy your winter and treasure all you have. More words soon, thanks for reading :)

Rambling

2010-12-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

Ok! Deep breath, this is going to be a big post, filled mostly with ands and commas, but i'm typing excitedly on my Itouch and still decompressing from the last week... month... year? My house-sitting situation is over, I've been off the radar, theres some crazy new news about my unemployment situation, I will tell you as soon as I can and this whole thing is a mess. The news kinda brought me out of a slump, kinda raised the depression that I've been feeling, losing friends and your whole world all at once is tough, I was at that shop everyday. Not only did the news prove that my old boss is crazy and irrational, but best of all it assures that I won my unemployment case, no judicial board in the country would accept the madness he submitted. Unfortunately, I have another month or 2 until I'm finally over with it, and my case is on hold until then. I don't know if I can share the information online legally, I want to be safe but its funny and crazy and shows my old employers true nature. I'm finding out today, I will keep you informed.

I am writing you from from a quite little spot in Davis, California. Since Tuesday I have been all around, I left the house in Sacramento, to Davis, SF, Santa Cruz, San Jose, over the course of 6 days. I've been meeting friends and seeing sites, pulling my energy from the city and working with other travelers, I am lucky to be somewhere where there is quite a homeless community. I have learned so much this week, I was taught how to play magic cards and ultimately about alternative forms of currency in alternative lifestyle, like cigarettes in jail. I learned about Rastas and Carrageenan and language and played pinball on the boardwalk and did an open mic and ate a BBQ squid. Needless to say, my head is overflowing. I got to my current location last night around 9, took a much needed shower, got all cute and into my footy sleeper and ate French bread and artichokes and watched The Town and then Devil with friends. It was almost like coming home, I'm thankful for my friends and it's nice to be around my *stuff*. Outside my window I'm seeing the trees do a crazy dance outside, but I'm safe inside and warm under a blanket.

Have you ever had a situation in your life where you've felt you reaaaallly shouldn't be there? Not like walking down a dark alley, by kinda like that, where you decide you're just going to play this out, but that flee instinct is screaming at you to just get the fuck out, you have no place here. I've felt like that a couple times in my life, and one of those times was this weekend. I didn't flee, and everything turned out quite well, but I think if you panic, or show fear, then people pounce. I've been writing down most of this stuff, some of it is pretty deeply ingrained, I like telling stories and I've been rounding up some pretty good ones.

This time of year, I'm feeling all those warm and fuzzy feelings that people feel for the holidays or equinox, i'm just feeling happy because you forget how nice it is to be warm when its so cold outside. I'm getting together with family on Christmas, they were all out of town for thanksgiving, which I spent largely by myself. I'm looking forward to it, I have a pretty small family, but we get along, I think the further from our childhoods we are the better we get with our family, and that applies for parents as well. Our whole situation isn't focused on any religion, just family and food and usually a movie. We've done the Chinese food on Christmas thing more than once in my family, it's always a relaxing day... well, before and after my stepdad left. . I had a few relatively traumatic Christmases when I was were younger, but the person that made it traumatic is no longer around, so whatevs.

I'm safe and sound, done adventuring until after the holidays, I have some video ideas, I need to keep moving and creating and exploring, both online and in the real world. Thanks for checking up on me my dear internet friends, more words and images soon.

SRS

2010-12-11T09:40:00.001-08:00

Let's get SRS is the name of this blog, it's a fun little double entendre about my journey, sexual reassignment surgery and getting srsly srs about life. I gave it that name because I do plan to get SRS, it's a goal of mine, but there's a good deal of consideration that goes into that, and I don't make a call until I have all the facts.

I've done a wealth of research, but I've never really had a long conversation about "everything" with a post-op girl. I remember talking to a full-time girl for the first time, I had so many questions but I was too nervous and flustered to ask them, afraid to sound naive or perverted. Later I became more comfortable, learned more, read more to learn better questions. The Internet is a good tool, but I've learned so much from the 1 on 1 interaction, over chat, cam or coffee. I guess I'm that kind of learner, textbooks were always a foreign language to me. I have some XP to gain about the medical and physical effects, and I will share all I learn.

A local friend heard a trans friend tell a story that I love... its basically about a postoperative girl who was doing yoga and while doing a pose she unlocked feelings "down there" that made sex even more awesome from then on. I'm pretty intouch with my body, eat great when I can and keep active and fit. The hormones have a good place to land and any surgery should be without complications, I am in the best health of my life. Regardless of whether the yoga story is true or possible, I'm sure that if and when I get SRS, I'm going to have a very happy vagina.

There's a ton of reasons why I look forward to SRS, it's the end of my journey in many ways. I don't claim to see the future, I like my penis and it has served me well, the times we've had together I will never forget. We've also had alot of hard times together... A friend once mused "erections are great, except when their not" and the not is the majority in my life, it's not the way I like to express myself sexually, they don't *feel* right. I have explored chastity but I see that as harnessed male energy or sexual control and submission, cool but not an ultimate solution.

In the later stages of hormones, my sexual virility will decline, and my erections will be less frequent and potentially cease. That doesn't mean I still won't be an excitable little minx, I just will express it differently. If I'm happy with that, I won't get SRS. If I find that I really don't want to part with my penis in it's current form, I won't, part of my journey is making big decisions like that. Things change, and part of understanding ones life is embracing the fluidity of it. For a while after 9/11, new emotions flooded in, I'll never forget seeing the second plane hit. I got totally behind George W. Bush, I wanted them to bomb everyone and everything... I was 14, I'm being honest, forgive me. I'm trying to say we all have our own personal 9/11's, and if things change I won't be disappointed...

That word, Disappointment, is another big thing. One of the troll reactions I get the most has to do with regretting getting SRS, that it won't be as I thought it was and I'll be "sad for the rest of my life" Well, I've got quite a few things in my life that I could spend all day regretting, but I move on and work towards making better decisions in the future. SRS is be a big decision, expensive and lifelong, but it's worth whatever risk to me. Its not to integrate, its not for sex, its for ME. going through that part of my transition is the final and most important step in my transition, the way I've seen it since I knew it was possible but it doesn't make me more or less of a woman than I already am, but it will make me less of a man. Simply, I know it will drastically improve my quality of life, so i'm looking forward to it.

My favorite phrase lately has been "rich tapestry", it describes my life, sexuality,worldview and personal relations, as intricate as it is unique, complicated and beautiful. A tangled web I've woven, my armor, I've made it strong but I can still unravel and restich if need be. When I see myself 5 years, I don't see myself with a penis. When I look In the mirror, I see myself as beautiful, happy girl. When I look in my pants, I see an old friend who's going to go through quite a big change, but I love and support him.

Thanks for reading, this site has kept me on my toes, always thinking about the next step. My introspection meter is off the charts, and thanks for hearing me out and cheering me on <3

best ever death metal band

2010-12-04T11:27:00.000-08:00

"people think this song is a joke, but there's nothing funny about being in a goddamn hospital when you're 12 and trying to explain to the people that the clothes you wanna wear aren't gonna turn you into a serial killer or anything, it just makes you feel better... except you get a little bit older and it does get funny"

feels

2010-12-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

Well, it's honesty time, with all my adventures and turmoil, I haven't kept completely "on" my hormones. Lets start from the beggining...

I took my first bit of estrogen on June 15th 2009. I was on 1 25mg estrogen for about 2 months, then 1 estrogen and then 1 spiro for about 6 months, then 1 and 2 for 3 months, then 2 and 2 and recently 2 estrogen and 3 spiro. Now, this is much lower than many transgirls start with, but I've played it safe due to said adventure and/or turmoil.

I still struggle with smoking cigarettes, and hormones and smoking do not mix. When I was working at a cafe/bar after pouring drinks all day I would oftentimes join ny friends for a drink or many in the evenings, and hormones and booze don't mix. Those times I chose socializing in a somewhat unhealthy manner over something that really mattered to me, my health, my hormones. I try not to regret anything in my past, but I do regret my lack of diligence, but these last few weeks have been really lovely, I'm truly realizing what I've missed.

I still lack healthcare, but I will starting the first of the year, so I can go see a bunch of good doctors and get top notch care. I'm very excited, planned parenthood was great in my time of need, but at stronger doses I'm going to have different needs. I'd like to be able to see the same doctor throughout the process, someone experienced with transpeople and overall health, I have a few in mind in the bay area, I'm so excited!

I didn't experience very many ups and downs over the last while, I've been on such a low dose that I've hardly notice them. Breasts are growing, ive felt Girly and positive, that feeling of being on the right path, my skin is softer and my body hair a little lighter, but other than that, I have pretty much the same body I did when I started. Taking a low dose has set good ground for a lovely new Riley to grow, and im making sure to put all the right things in my garden :)

Its been 2 weeks of what for me is a high dose, and those lovely feelings are returning in kind. My breasts are incredibly sensitive, I use a copy of the velveteen rabbit as a mousepad and I read the first 5 pages and started crying, i'm noticing my curves more and I'm so horny I could rape a giraffe. These are just little examples, new ones are popping up everyday :)

More stuff soon, I'm feeling good, just took my bedtime dose, putting on some MST3K and resting up for an early morning and a big day tomorrow~ seeya soon!

starting over

2010-11-24T06:12:00.000-08:00

It's been 4 months since everything kinda up-ended itself and lets be honest, life wasn't ideal before losing my job. In this post I'm going to talk about some of my experiences in the last 4 months, and how I got to where I am now. I couldn't fit the whole thing into one post if I tried, so keeping with the trend, I present the first installment of "Riley Kilo and the Backpack of Possessions"

Before I got fired, I was quite enjoying myself. Life had ups and downs, and I was stagnant, but making good money. I was busy, starting to find a balance between life, work and internet. I was being paid well at a pretty swanky cafe, networking was great, I knew many of the regulars before starting there from my past in working/existing in the coffee/bar scene. I would work most every morning, spend my evenings out with friends, I spent very little time at my apartment for good reason. I liked my roommates, but the standard of living wasn't quite up to my standards of living. If you remember the video, it was a pretty cool place, but not when it comes to things like general cleanliness and bugs and rats. No shower, a bathtub with a length of tube as a shower, the cracked single pane windows that rattle super loud, everything rattled, the rats rattled. I loved the fact that it was an international place, we would have a girl from Sweden over for a couple weeks, then a night of random Germans, and my roommates were vibrant, lovely people, but it was a very busy place. There were many things that I was frustrated with, my town, my life, fear of seeing my old coworkers/customers. I tryed to stay focused, and I replaced coffee with beer and continued chain-smoking cigarettes after getting fired... lets talk about the firing shall we?

I got a letter yesterday saying I still have another round of appeals to go through. I don't know why they think they have a leg to stand on. Let me fill you in... as far as I was concerned, people liked me at the coffee shop. It's really tough to think about the reasons why I was fired, I had a nightmare last night about the owner that made me feel the way I felt every moment he was around, I figured now was the time to get it off my chest. In the roughly 6 months I worked there, I was late by half an hour once, and had 1 no-call no-show due to a scheduling error, within a month of starting. I was made to read a piece of paper (out loud within earshot of the other staff and a few guests) about the importance of checking my schedule often. I had never been told I was doing something specific wrong, the owner would come in once in a while and point out little things. I'm human, I messed up orders now and then but the worse reprimand I received was for poor handwriting on food tickets, by the cook. I kicked ass at that coffee shop, I seriously know coffee and tea and wine and had no problem doing power-washing shifts, I worked my butt off and made great tips for it. I LOVED working there. I was the happy cafe-girl, until one day the owner came in...

Pretty normal day at the coffee shop, my coworker in the morning is someone that had started about a month before, was new there and constantly doing "flare" with the coffee stuff, something that we conflicted on, I was into coffee shop speed and efficiency, all he liked doing was espresso and talking to customers. He hadn't worked in this kind of coffee shop before, a teenager and frankly needed to learn. Everyone had this problem with him, but I worked with him 90% of the time. Coffee drama, its a cutthroat industry, and so he texted the owner when I confused an order that morning. I have to give my co-worker credit, thats brutal, thats tough, thats the way to get ahead in that industry apparently. We were cupping that morning so I was a little jittery, and when the owner showed up and stood silently staring at me during our second morning rush. There's always a line out the door, regardless of who's working, it was busy and I did my best.

I was nervous, there were 3 people and a cook, plus the owner silently breathing down my neck. At one point during the rush, my boss asks me about a piece of food bussed by another employee that I didn't have anything to do with. He was angry about food being wasted, this was a good portion of the reason why I was officially fired, which I didn't learn until the day of my appeals hearing, months after being fired. There was also a muffin that I buy every shift, same muffin, and due to it being close to the food or something he apparently assumed I was stealing a unwanted piece of quiche... which I wasn't, and was not questioned on it, its tough to recreate minor details that didn't become under scrutiny until months after they happened. I don't like the quiche there, I bought food all the time, it's fucking ridiculous to think that this whole thing was about a piece of quiche, and the appeals judge agreed. There was no conflict, I didn't know anything about the quiche and I threw away the muffin remnants. He later asked me to join him outside, without any further discussion he told me I was being fired for cause. I was pretty emotionally distraught, so I went around the corner, sat in a staircase, cried and smoked a cigarette, on the way back to the cafe I ran into a friend, an old co-worker at the same shop. We talked, he could see I was crying so he offered me a ride home. I had to get my tips and my stuff, I open the side door to the business, my boss hands me my stuff, and I let my emotions get the best of me. I called him a pussy, I say he doesn't have the balls to manage his staff and fires people without reason. He put his hands on my shoulders, told me this wasn't going to end well, I walked away, got in the car, and while driving away I got my last words in... "suck my dick!"

I know!!! I was crying, I was upset, I just lost the best thing in my life and I didn't know why, he seemed like a monster to me. I didn't go too crazy, I was more scorned woman than raving lunatic. Deep down iI wonder if i'm glad I did it, I just wish I had chosen my words more carefully. I didn't know what to do after being so randomly fired, I tried so hard to be good and do well and that wasn't enough, I was kinda fed up. We all resented him, feared him, but we all got paid well so we wouldn't say what I had the newfound freedom to say, he might have needed to hear it. Officially the reason I was fired is because I "threatened my employer". There was no threat, I was already fired and blowing off steam. Simply, the owners are liars, they are fighting for their business and the money they are having to spend extra on insurance. From working there I learned that the bottom line is all that matters in the coffee world, price per pound, price per minute, price per effort. The only thing I said that could be perceived as a threat was the following day I went into a location where I knew the owner wouldn't be, and spoke with some coworkers, who were blown away that I got fired. I told them that I would do whatever I could to make this right, and that he wouldn't get away with this.

What worries me, is in this second round of appeal they will have people under that fear/money influence, people like independent coffee, its a moral choice for many, and people will lie under oath for their morals. They're probably going to have a lawyer. I'm going to face people I haven't seen in months. I have a iron-clad case, but maybe theres something I forgot about that they can pull-out of nowhere. I had a couple days of success, can't believe they can do this, I fear I was wrong to think that getting involved with unemployment was a good idea, not really worth the stress... but how else would I rectify my unemployment record... this is like a catch-22k, my head and heart is going in so many directions, getting that letter yesterday has scrambled my brains, but I feel better after writing all this. I have NO idea what the next step is, I just have to wait and find out... and plan some steps of my own.

To conclude this little bit, I stayed in the apartment until the end of August, was pretty over the squalor of the place and decided it was best to move on, I miss my roommates but have revisited the place many times since. I'll pick up the next installment just as I walk out of the door of my apartment with my traveling companions, a backpack, a blog, cautious optimism and whoever I meet along the way.

Thanks for reading, more adventure soon :)

it got better

2010-11-19T18:06:00.000-08:00

Wooooo it's good to be settled, at least for now :)

I'm feeling very comfy, satisfied, lovely, all sorts of good ways to feel. I won my unemployment case and finally have a *clean* employment record again, I'm taking my hormones on schedule and on time like a good girl. I'm as optomistic as I've ever been, I just finally have a reason to be! I'll be filling in the gaps of my adventures, share with you some of my day to day experiences as a out-in-the-world transgirl and all that good stuff. I'm excited!!! Below is my new video, and enjoy the rain :)

(Also, I didn't do the make-up just for the video, but my friend is quite the artist and it's nice to do it up now and then)

feet done

2010-11-17T22:49:00.001-08:00

Howdy friends! I *finally* got the internet situation going! I'm super excited to start posting more, and it was nice to spend the time off to reconnect with the people here in the valley that matter to me. I'm pretty much over that right now, so lets do this internet thing! I've got tons of stuff to tell you, I've left many questions unanswered and I have lots of neat stuff to share :)

New LetsGetSRS video and RileyKilo video tomorrow! Hooray for things coming together and working out! Hooray for boobies and being able to take my hormones consistently and pedicures and carpet and air conditioning! Hoooooray indeed! More stuff soon and I have been totally looking for a reason to link to wikiquote, I barely found one.

this story is about ryan

2010-11-11T14:48:00.001-08:00

This is Street Musique

This is Ryan.

this story isn't about me... it's about Ryan.

wonemployment

2010-10-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

It's one month ago, I'm looking over the ledge on the golden gate bridge, feeling little drops of rain on my face, I'm tired, looking down at the blackness of the water, wondering how long it would take until I got to the bottom, would a gust of wind and save me the fate of all these drops of water, would it pick me up and drop me somewhere safe, in front of a fireplace in my footy PJ's, or would I just hit the waves like concrete. I take a deep breath, and walk back to the busstop, and go from there.

It's the end of October, and it looks like this chapter of my life is coming to an end. I won my unemployment appeal, there's a couple more steps until it's all worked out, but I won, I fucking won! I knew I would, they had not a leg to stand on, but the pain is in the process. It looks like I should be getting a bit of back unemployment, enough to get me back on my feet and off unemployment! I had a conversation with my mom the other day, she told me how she hoped that the strong "don't leach off the system" morals she raised me with stay true, she was a single mom, and through hard work and love for her family she managed. I've been in tough situations and always pulled through, and never considered unemployment an option until the odds were stacked so high against me. With a clean employment record I will have no problem getting work, and the things I've learned over the past few months in the realms of making it in your own will prove invaluable.

YES!!! I'm so excited for what's ahead of me, especially now that my path is a little bit more clear, more positive. I'm staying with a friend in the redwoods right now, very limited internet access, but I will be posting what I can. I'll be up here until further notice, possibly Portland around Halloween, do I know anyone up there? My future plans? Anywhere from a nice apartment just outside my hometown, back to SF for a little more adventure just more organized this time, or Thailand... so many options, so much potential, life is amazing. I feel like living proof that it gets better, you just have to persevere, and get past those little struggles, and the world loves and rewards you for it. More stuff soon, and thanks for all the kind thoughts, reassurance, donations, everything... look how far we've come <3

gender switch cosplay

2010-10-19T06:41:00.000-07:00

Quick video, I have a bit of a transformation video on the way myself, this is fun to watch, and gets me all mixed up and confuzzled... in a good way <3

since 04'

2010-10-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

6 years ago today I was in Beijing, watching the Sacramento Kings play the Houston Rockets. I could go into it, but my mind is somewhere else right now. I've been thinking about places, time and omission, so that's what I will (or won't) write about...

I'm going to be heading north, to Portland in the near future, I'm over Vegas. I'm likely going to be there around Halloween, trying to check out a big event on Halloween. My favorite job of all time was working for a beautiful old indie theatre, built in 1917, It's a lovely, lovely place. I worked there for 6 years, as soon as I turned 15 1/2 I got my work permit and worked at Taco Bell for a little, was not happy with it one bit. I was going to an event called "Trash Film Orgy" on nights for the last few summers at the theatre, as well as frequenting a film group that held meetings there. Whatever you imagine something called "Trash Film Orgy" would be, it's that. TFO is where I met... well, we'll talk about that later, I'm going to start crying thinking about it, so I'm going to go on with the story, and leave that part out for now.

I got the theatre job, at this point I'd like to make it clear that no matter how hard spellcheck tries to tell me different, I shall call it a theatre, it's big and beautiful and showing movies is a small part of what they do. It was the first adventure into the world of glitz and glamour for me... there'd be a Tesla show one night, then we'd clean the whole place and host a film festival the next night. I could fill a book about the celebrities i've met there and amazing shows I've seen, the things that go on in dressing rooms and working in the heart of the city. I love that fast-paced environment where everyone has to work as a team, up against an audience of people, swarms of people that just paid good money for something. I stopped doing Drama after high school because the theatre was so the same thing, except better for networking and was just so amazing when things went right, and solving problems when things went wrong is ever-so satisfying. I really miss doing that, but we move on, before I moved to the east coast I decided that I was over it, I was likely to return to some negative patterns in my life if I stayed there, and the pay is awful, and for a while I would wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, after a nightmare about cleaning the butter machine.

I still love that place, it's my home in many ways, I spent more time there than any house in my life, it's the only consistent in my sordid, ever-changing life. I still stroll in with warm welcomes, many of the people I trained run the place now, everytime I go in its that bittersweet nostalgia, I have loved and lost under those lights. Film is the most precious thing in the world to me, and places like my theatre retain that sense of magic... its yosemite level awe-inspiring. The person I mentioned having met earlier had a profound effect on my life, and the theatre and him are inextricably linked in my emotions, it's a sad story with lots of happy parts, and from a time that I've tried hard over the years to understand, and feel I will someday understand and come to peace with those experiences. For now, I've spent a good deal of time away from the theatre for those reasons in particular, but when I do visit the smell of popcorn and the beauty of it all grants me so much hope that maybe I can even fall in love again.

Here's a couple pics from TrashFilmOrgy 2004. After this, I started dressing much more often, a great boost of confidence, being accepted by friends and the general public as a girl, shortly after that I started working as a girl at the theatre, and the rest is history. These pics are some history too <3

wandering eyes

2010-10-14T20:37:00.001-07:00

Alright! I've been busy busy busy, getting things in order for my next step... which has yet to be determined. I'm at a friends house in my hometown, I needed to come back for various reasons, mental well-being was one of them. This weekend I'm either heading north towards Portland/Olympia or east towards Vegas. I rarely go north and the weather I'm sure is awful so I might put that on the backburner. Vegas is going to be warmer, a friend is moving there and it's a 24 hour city, so I won't have the difficulty between 2am and sunup like in most cities. It's a crazy place though, I'm interested in maybe exploring the city proper, Vegas is HUGE, I've only really seen the strip. Vegas is where I lost my virginity so many years ago, filming Defcon. I've been back since and it's reputation for being hazardous is dependent on how hazardous you want to get, lots of advantages for relatively sober people as myself, I've always kept a cool head in wild situations.

Its sad that I haven't had a chance to update more, I haven't had the opportunity to do a video since my last one, my camera is picky and you need firewire ports and a decent PC to upload stuff. It's been a week since my appeal, probably have 2 or 3 more weeks until I find out my future, i'm making plans for both results, I go from confident to worried to frustrated back to confident. It's going to be a great injustice if the judge doesn't approve my appeakl, but that seems to be a consistent theme in my life. I'm excited to find out the results regardless, I'm feeling very much in limbo, you will know as soon as I do!

Outside of the nail-biting anticipation I've been well. I think the main thing that's bothering me right now is that this blog could become a deterrent from people maybe "coming out", I'm afraid that my negative experiences might scare people away from expressing their true selves. It's REQUIRED you understand that my troubles are a result of my town, my visibility, my actions. My town is filled with crime and drugs and bored cowtown "douchebags", the folks that don't bother with the art scene seem to think the only thing to do in this town is get high and break stuff, pabst and meth are a great sickness in my town. As for my visibility, I'm super thin, I haven't owned a car in over 2 years and everyone in my 2,000+ student high school knew me, and the surrounding high schools were relatively aware as well, I made a pretty big impact in the suburbs during my time spent. Those "bro" kids have grown up and I'm sure are the ones throwing things out their car windows at me. "That's why I left!" says the person who's still here... I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has different resource levels and experiences, I've had a tough life from the get-go, seeing my Mom overcome being a single mother and everything set the path for me, I never expected or desired the easy way, life isn't about the race to retirement. I'm having a unique experience, not without trials and tribulations, but one that has and will lead to open doors and opened minds.

I will be adventuring out of here with the quickness, I'm hoping to do a bit of video before I go. I'm going to be trying to crank out as many emails and hopefully a post or two before I get back on the road again... I need to write a FAQ about some of the basics of my life, I haven't been terribly clear about a couple things, this world could use a bit more clarity and I think I'm just the girl to do it. All for the sake of clarity, I want to expand on a couple thoughts. 1st off, Thailand is starting to sound like a reality. I'm doing tons of research, talking to people, reading books, thinking it might be a place for me to land at some point. I'm still exploring it, but it would be fascinating for both my transgendered and my AdultBaby/DiaperLover readers, Thailand is a mecca for the art if beautiful transgirls as well as ageplay culture, sounds like the place to be, more on that story as it develops.

The 2nd thing I wanted to make apparent was I'm having the time of my life. There are ups and downs of course, but I could have taken "safer" options, I could have found a job at McDonalds, I could have done a wealth of things that didn't involve exploration and learning, but I didn't. Be aware that my own decisions led to this, that I have few regrets and it's not tragic, it's an adventure. If you've seen my videos you can probably tell that I'm a really sweet, friendly and kind young woman, people welcome me, I think they see the compassion in my eyes, a fresh spark, my almost decade of dead-end employment almost extinguished that flame, but it's back burning brighter than ever. My bright eyes open doors that no key or bank card could open, behind them are a millions of experiences, and my eyes will grow brighter and brighter until the moment they close, and those doors will be left open for the future Riley's of the world.

Until then, here's a song. More stuff soon!

the truth is i've been searching for some tired tranquil place

where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones

and if all these years of searching find one sympathetic face

then it's there i'll plant these seeds and make my home

P.S. - Thanks <3

weak

2010-10-08T14:48:00.001-07:00

Here I am, back in front of a computer. Wrapped up in a blankie, asagio/spinach crackers in one bowl, chicken soup and shittake mushrooms in the other, I've got a nasty little cold, I think yesterday was the worst of it though. There's really no comfortable position to type where I am, so don't expect too lengthy of a post, my wrists are killing me. I also want to apologize for being vague, much of what I've experienced is written down in notebooks, It will come out, in posts, maybe a book someday, but for now, I don't know where to begin, so lets start with my feet. My ankle is feeling better, I haven't really abused it lately due to getting a better idea of the BART system. I've been keeping very busy, living couch to couch, I've done some stripping, some migrant farm work, some video stuff, helped some random people move, got a couple driving jobs, its been intense, scattered, there's been some scary situations, some risks, I've found my self in situations I at one point swore I would never put myself in again, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. All this stuff, the good and the bad, is hopefully culminating into a better Riley.

I want to help others to avoid this situation, living like this is pretty brutal. That's what this whole sites about I guess, I want to be a positive example, I was lamenting to a friend that I didn't want to be a part of the negative stereotype for my community, empty, alone and on the streets, some ridiculously high percentage of transpeople are or have been homeless... my friend, a Female to Male person who has been homeless, whose couch I am currently sitting on, he responded to my negativity with hope...

"Now you have this experience as a point of reference, it's essential in helping people out of this situation, you don't just understand or sympathize, you've lived it"

That alone makes me feel much better, compassion is earned in many ways. It's amazing how many of the people around me share the utter and complete faith that I will overcome this and any situation I am presented with. With that kind of support system, with the love of my friends who have seen my struggles and triumphs firsthand, my best and worse, they've opened their hearts and homes to me. I also feel the support and appreciation of a community of people who follow this site, I'll never feel alone knowing this, I hope I can return those feelings to our world.

I'll be posting some pictures, doing a touch more writing before the end of today, so I hope you look forward to it. I haven't gotten to many peoples emails, there's some really awesome folks out there that i've been totally ignoring, I'm sorry! And again, I have less an less time these days, so if your message is poorly written, I'm just tossing it in the trash, write something structured and thoughtful... If you need to know something, google it first! And please, stop it with the harassment about charging for private videos, my paypal sees little action these days, unfortunately its when I really need it. Producing more content is somewhat difficult, and adult content is not yet a profitable business for me, but it will be, I just don't have the resources at the moment.I'm out there meeting people, discovering new things, If I had the time and place to do a site it would be successful, I couldn't say that before. One big thing I've learned, is that friends are sometimes the best resource.

A few nights ago, I had what was probably the second best meal of my life, prepared by a good friend. The next morning I had my Unemployment Appeal, more details later, lies and hearsay and no evidence of anything, I finally learned why I was fired, and it's a very weak reason. I'm just hoping the judge doesn't have any issues with girls like me, it's his job to ignore those feelings if he has them. All things considered, I think I've got it, I just have to wait another 3-4 weeks until I find out. Until then I'll be out gathering more resources, to quote John Darnielle, "an astronaut could see from space the hunger in my eyes", I've got a full belly of food, but I'm hungry for progress, to make my success, hungry for equal rights, hungry to get my message out, whatever that may be. I have advantages that many don't have, I am full among the starving, a fire in the rain, hope among hopeless, there really are people in the streets that are making things better for the lowest common denominator, trying to overcome the darkest despair. I want to use what skills and resources I have and work to prevent people having to go through the experiences I have, but first, I have to get Riley back to good.

More stuff soon, below is a picture of me in my old room, the black walls are now white, I so wished they would be again, just further proof that the world is constantly in flux, life can and will get better! <3

Cheered UP!!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Alright, it's not just a bad pun... I've cheered up, I feel better, I got out of the city, staying with a friend in the mountains until I head back on the 3rd. I'm happy to get the rest, my ankles feeling a little better, trying to feel better, healthier, eat well again, avoid the grime of the city, wash it off with clean air, clean living and lots of exercise, physical and mental. I've been writing, learning, exploring, I can't wait to share my thoughts with you, I just need to organize them first!

More stuff soon <3

nowhere nothin' fuckup

2010-09-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

All is not well in the world of Riley, the crushing feeling of hopelessness, i'm going to put on a smiley face and hopefully have a good experience, do some good networking today, maybe start going down a more positive path. I am starting to understand what its like to be broken, helpless in many ways, I hope I don't feel like this for long. Oct. 5th I should be out of this mess, the unemployment appeal is hopefully going to net me enough in unpaid unemployment to get an apartment... it's easier to find a job with an address and a judicially affirmed unfair firing, my employment record sucks until all this gets figured out. I've always had a job, i've been more productiv creatively in the last 26 days than I ever have, but at what cost? I'm trying my best to hide it but I am living out of my backpack, employers don't jump on that when theres a million college students looking for jobs. The good won't come out just yet, I'm going to fall apart, I need to find happiness, joy, love, safety, rest. I'm hurting right now, a hurdle to overcome. I am going to make it, I just hope I don't destroy my ankle/lose my mind before then. I'm awesome, I can do it, I will become everything I want to be, until then I'm just a nowhere nothin' fuckup.

now say a word for Karen Brown

she can't tell the night from the day

they threw her out in the street

just like a cat she landed on her feet

cheer up

2010-09-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

Hey there friends! I'm heading back to SF, back to the grind, getting a P.O. box and doing the name change, I'm considering dancing again this week, a couple days of rest has left my ankle feeling about the same, but i'm still a little nervous, I must tread lightly. I need to get excited, the city will get my motor going again, I'm feeling kinda cute and vulnerable right now, not something you want to be in the tenderloin. Toughen up Riley, you can't stay here in Sacramento, its bad news, move forward! Folsom street fair is coming up this weekend, I'm definitely going to be there, shoot me an email if you're going!

More stuff soooooooon!

teddy bear picnic

2010-09-19T23:43:00.001-07:00

Inglorious Basterds
Bronson
and now... Shutter Island

Last night my friends watched Inglorious Basterds, a calculatingly brutal movie, and tonight, we watched Bronson, and we just started shutter island.. before i decided to name this post "Teddy Bear Picnic", surprising that the main characters name is "Teddy". Shutter Island looks pretty fail compared to the last two, I'm not a fan of the 300 kind of CGI background look. Make it black and white not Sepia! The crossdressing brother from The Drew Carey Show is also in it, kinda fels like a bunch of celebrities putting on a high school interpretation of "Twin Peaks" with a ending that broadcasts itself with little mystery, like say, the story of the titanic... ha. Whatever, i'm not so worried, looks like it might be a good movie... Ok, I'll stop narrating the movie and get to my point.

I'm a sweet little girl, you know that by reading my site, i'm cute and fun and all that. I've been receiving a wealth of responses saying "I can't believe you're the kind of girl that would strip" or "poor girl, how will you make it on your own" and my response to that is, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! I've been dealing with the ins and outs of the independent world, i've been on the streets on the east coast for a bit of time, and have always kept my ears to the pavement in Sacramento. Sacramento is a small town with an underground community that keeps things exciting, without saying too much, there's a decent scene going down around there, and I've seen some of the grimier bits.

I could go on about the places i've been, the things I've seen, the back-alleys, the darkness and the energy, the belligerence and the morning afters, the brights lights in a dim places. All you need to know is that I'm tough, I'm a survivor, I will keep going and keep going stronger, better, faster until I find a place to rest, and I will extrovert my efforts to promote these feelings of confidence in others. This grime, these things I see, the struggle and everything, it just makes the little girl bits that much sweeter. There is no binary to the human experience, the good and the bad all kinda melts together into the wonder that is life.

My next post is a love letter i wrote to my teddy bear, its sad but not without hope. Don't despair! All is well! If things are down and out for you, understand that the nectar of life is not always sweet, but unique and amazing nonetheless. Don't fret little ones, the world is a globe, the sun always shines.

feet up

2010-09-18T20:29:00.001-07:00

his is just a little post to be less vague about what's been going on with me :P

Due to losing my job and being in an awful apartment situation, I decided to pilgrimage to San Fransisco, this town is unsafe in unique ways, and hormones/healthcare is going to be easier to come by. There's also TONS of resources for people at transitional points in their lives, free lunches, friendly people, i'm finding that there is a community within cracks of the buildings and on the streets, more than i could have imagined. I've met a ton of people, making some great connections... i even got a chance to play The Move!

I've been living out of my backpack, my name change is in process, and should have a P.O. box ASAP. My unemployment appeal is FINALLY going through, I have a date to see the courts on the 3rd of October, hopefully i'll have a more consistent paying job by then, but if not its nice to know I have a chance to get unemployment. My boss lied on the application, claiming that I "threatened" him. After I was fired and told that I wasn't open for rehire, I went and cried in a staircase for a few minutes, came back to get my stuff and my tips, and yes, I did call my boss a pussy, and yes, I did tell him to suck my cock. I was in pretty much rage mode, and you'll never catch me losing my emotions like that. I said nothing threatening, and got into a car with a fellow co-worker and drove off. I found out later the owner fired his daughter that same morning.

He had no reason to fire me, so he made up a reason, and he's been caught in a lie. There were tons of witnesses that saw me working hard, being taken outside by the boss, and then walk around the corner crying. Most of my co-workers agree that the bosses needed to be brought down a peg, and though it was a pretty lame move on my part, I was really upset and felt like I was in a corner. I am so looking forward to the day when those guys are forced to show their true colors, and though I support the local/organic/positive stuff they do, the owners are in it for the money and will do anything for the bottom line. They will get their comeuppance!

That's a positive thing in my life, and one of the many reasons why I feel so much better when I'm out of town. As I mentioned, i'm living with whats on my back, but the backpack is pretty darn heavy. I'm pretty sure just from carrying this load my ankle kinda went out, it feels sprained, I've had to walk on it the last few days, and it was hurting pretty bad even before dancing on weds night, but the next couple days I have the opportunity to put my feet up. I'm hanging out with a friend and will be uploading some new videos, getting things in order for the next time I venture out. My next post will be more detailed recollection of some of the events that have effected and astounded me since my journey started, from near-death motorcycle experiences to backrubs and bbq's in goldengate park to my first experience stripping. Interesting stuff ahead check out this gruesome foot pic!

feet down

2010-09-18T02:52:00.000-07:00

I have set out on a journey!

I've been bouncing around the bay area, and parts beyond, I am resting for a moment with a good friend, overwhelmed, exhausted, and full of life.

This will last a lifetime, and this is only the beginning. I've found a part-time situation dancing at a club, I've been meeting some bright lights in the city, finding friends and strangers in crowded streets, dark rooms, while watching sunrises. Working on my name change and gender marker documents makes finding a well-paying job easier, starting to get things figured out, getting information, advice, votes of confidence. Everything is going well, I'm staying on point, staying safe, staying active, staying sane.

A week after leaving, I'm further east than where I started... I'm heading back there soooon, uploading some stuff in the meantime, going back more structured, focused, I have a much better idea of the city now.

More soon <3

the city

2010-09-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hey there! Just checking back in with all my lovely, lovely readers. I'm still doing the backpack thing in SF, I've had so many experiences, it's amazing. I've made new friends, reconnected with old ones, getting things straightened out with the legal parts of transitioning your gender, name change etc. I stripped last night for the first-time, I'll write more about the experience as soon as I decompress from it, but I have to say that I'm not "working" or whoring myself out, and I'm not doing it for the glamor or attention. I was offered a paying gig and I took it, cash rules everything around me, at least for right now. I'm at the library, going to head over to Larkin and get some free food, I've been staying with friends here and there, I've been pretty safe from the perils of the city, keeping my head above water. I'm so determined to save up for an apartment outside of the city, looking for a legitimate job where I don't have to show my ass, literally or metaphorically. It's been less than a week since I've gotten here and I've seen a lifetime of experiences, more stuff soon, I'm not finding myself around computers too often lately, but I'll update when I can.

Isn't it going to be amazing when I'm all settled in a positive place, maybe Pacifica or the East Bay, and I'm looking back on all the things that i've done and smiling, knowing that I actually came to the city and made it, addiction, criminal record and STD free. Let's get serious, lets get successful, lets get SRS!

Now's the time for you to show yo' ass
They ain't handin out no mo' cash

hella

2010-09-11T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm here in San Fransisco, I've EASILY walked 30 miles with a bag that weighs about as much as me, I've have seen things, dear god I have seen things. I'm pretty overwhelmed by my experience, starting to feel more comfortable in the big city. I'm at the library at the moment, I'll be able to hopefully upload some pics and videos and stuffff soon. I have a million stories to tell, I've gotten so much information and my eyes have been opened as much as people have opened their hearts to me. I feel this city lives and breathes, it laughs and screams and cries all in the same breath. I'm headed to my next adventure wish me luck and prosperity.

The word of the day is Carpe Diem! I couldn't have expected this to go better, i've been here for about 36 hours now and I feel like i've lived a lifetime. More stuff soon, life, I love ya, all is groovy :P

tra la la

2010-09-08T06:53:00.001-07:00

I got a letter from a sweety, who said they thought of me when they heard this. All the woes of the world go away when a cute little anime song comes on, and this is more or less how I feel right now. I feel in love, like the world has great potential, like the things that have come before have no bearing on the things that lie ahead. I don't feel like a total weight on everything... my M.O. has been sunny side up nihilism, theres so much suffering that we're better off not existing, but we will inherently survive so lets focus on the positive, I've always been so positive because deep down I feel so negative. Now admittedly theres more fear and terror than hugs and sunshine in this world, but not really where I live as much, and even if you catch an oppressed person in the right moment they'll admit that it's not all that bad.

"You can't change anything without changing yourself" I wasn't happy with myself so I wasn't happy with anything, simple as that. The path to self improvement begins within, I feel so freaking awesome all the time. I feel hormonally balanced. Maybe it's from not seeing the same thing over and over again, maybe it's from being around positive people, maybe it's from knowing that I have my hormones set-up for the next year or so, maybe because lately is the first time I've been 100% consistent about the hormones, morning afternoon and night. I needed to break from the patterns that I fell into in my last 9+ years of working in the customer service industry, I know I can find a good job, and I'm so looking forward to learning more about video editing and seriously getting into the video field.

I feel like I've been bitten by a radioactive Tony Robbins, I've gained the super-power to get over anything almost immediately, to not dwell on the negative and to keep moving forward. It took years to get to this point, but I wouldn't change a thing... wow, i like shuddered when I wrote that, I thought of things I have forgotten, things I would give anything to re-do... but those things happened and i'm in a good place now, so why dwell on them? Same goes for things I can't really control, like all the suffering in the world.

I'm over it. Life is too awesome to feel sad and frustrated all the time! I'm going to post some stuff about my girly feelings and the talk with my doctor, camera stuff, adventure! More stuff soon, all is well!!!

beyond planet parenthood

2010-09-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

Hooooray! I'm all hormoned up, I'm good for appointments for the next 3 months! I have battled the creatures on Planet Parenthood, they have taken much from my coffers and even 5 vials of my blood. This time was particularly awful, I was hoping to go to a clinic in San Fransisco, but I haven't quite made it out there yet. SO I end up going to planned parenthood appointment-less, which is not fun. There were way more protesters than usual this morning which is always fun! I feel so bad for the people who take them seriously, there must be a lot of sad catholic girls out there who feel like their eternal salvation may not come due to using birth control or getting an abortion. I don't like speaking on this particular subject, both abortion or eternal salvation, but planned parenthood does help a lot of people. I think of it like Wal-Mart, everyone working there doesn't want to be there, and the clientèle is largely rude and ignorant, and though they do a plethora of different things, they stir up special interest groups for 1 thing in particular, like selling guns or performing abortions. Hopefully, I will never find myself in either of those places again. On the first of the year I will have state-employee healthcare again, which is awesome, so next check-up will be with a doctor of my choosing.

Not Planned Parenthood isn't all bad, its the front end that is tough to get past, and though the nurses seem to be a little clumsy with a needle (i have a nasty bruise where I got poked) they are generally caring and friendly and make you feel comfortable, I always get nervous and stuff when I see the doctor, very few people have touched my breasts and I was admittedly a little scruffy, my self esteem was at risk but I also don't like being a transperson at planned parenthood, it's a pretty rough place and people don't keep their opinions to themselves. I did get a vote of confidence when a local leader in the trans-community arrived at about the same-time as me, as powerful, smart, dynamic transgirl, and she was in heels and her business attire. After catching up I realized that things really are tough all around, but sometimes giving the impression that it isn't helps keep the momentum going, keeps the people around you inspired, this world really needs a groundswell movement of positivity if we're ever going to expect peace and love to be consistent themes.

After getting through all the front-end nonsense, I saw a new doctor, did the physical stuff, told her I was going to stick with my current dose. I had a few questions for her which I will go into in the next post. I'm pretty exhausted, I still have some more writing to do, i just can't promise anything, I'm going to go find a big shady tree to eat strawberries and nap under. More soon.

labor days

2010-09-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

I was planning on telling all these stories, but nothing extremely interesting happened, moved tons of furniture, did some This Old House stuff, it's been fun almost. I tagged along to some parties and encountered all that beer pongery and jello shottery, laughed and had a good time but made the weekend that much tougher. It's over now, I'm safe and sound and happy and have earned a houseful of appreciative friends, healthy eating and more yoga... this town has yoga up the wazoo, I need to recharge my batteries, taking it safe and slow, I'm still no more than a causeway away from where I started.

I'm having trouble imagining a long-distance relationship with my computer, I know I can post from just about anywhere, but theres some things I still need to organize and post and prepare and all that good stuff. I'm getting the ol' GL2 out for the first time in a week or so today, I'm bursting with ideas and I'm glad so many people have shown their appreciation, and really want to see me blossom. I want to make sure we're all on the same page... my situation has *improved* since I left the apartment, I'm doing this less out of desperation and more to find a place where I can be successful, to break away from my hometown. It was pretty bad there at my old apartment, I'll go into detail later and you will likely wish I hadn't, it was as cute and funky as it was moldy and rat infested.

Things are very good though, I'm on the right path, I can take this time to be active and create. There's lots of people and excitement around me and they know who I am and what I do, as well as openminded people and independent thinkers themselves. I'm able to head back to Sacramento and get to Planned Parenthood tomorrow morning, I'll let you know how it goes! I'm just a little nervous, not entirely excited but a girls gotta do etc. I'm going to stay on my current dose for now. Completely unrelated, if you like independent hip-hop, check out one of my favorite albums of the genre, Aesop Rock's "Labor Days"

You'll be hearing from me soon! <3

My Big Backyard

2010-09-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

Remember "Your Big Backyard" Magazines?

those and Zoobooks were awwwweeeesoooome

Big empty rooms have been a consistant theme in the last 2 days. 4 friends of mine are leaving sacramemto the same time I am, all for different places,. Hawaii, Davis, Vegas, Montreal. I'm spending the majority of my day helping my friend move to Davis, it's a big ragtag bunch of great friends with a little baby girl on the way. These people I will miss and will miss me, my extended family, we have been holding down the streets in Sacramento for a long time, and now we've left it to the next generation. There is something to be said about the bonds you form at a younger age, especially highschool, most splinter off as we mature and become individuals, but sometimes they can last until we're old and grey and playing pokemon cards in assisted living. Seeing my friends procreate is just a lovely reminder that my "extended family": is growing and growing :) I like when good people have kids

So on my grandiose adventure to the wild great yonder I basically haven't left my backyard yet... taking it slow, I guess for now I'm just a wandering good Samaritan :P I'm probably going to leave my studio here for now (yeah i call my computer my "Digital Studio", I'd like to think I do more production than computing) I'll be posting up in this corner of the world for the evening, things kinda accelerated and didn't really get a chance to do a goodbye video in the old apartment, but I have a strong feeling that I will find myself back there in the future... I left most of my furniture there, it'll be nice to think that i can go back and sleep in my own bed again.

If I don't get crushed by a refridgerator today then I will have to mark September 2nd down as a success. I'm going to do a bit of planning and alot of lifting today, so I'll probably catch you a bit later, theres no internet at their new placce so I'm kinda playing it by ear, but I will likely be posting whenever I get a chance too... everyones still sleeping and I'm the little mouse tapping away at the keyboard. Oh and speaking of beds, I can't believe this TV I'm blogging on right now, I could literally lay it down, put my sheets on it and take a digital siesta, all while Life HD is playing below me. Maybe thats what I'll do next, make an LCD bed... well, nevermind, I gues thats just not possible without risk of severe bedwetting shock :P

trying to soak up the last of this summers fresh air and sunlight.

California coast, beaches and bridges, i'll be seeing you soon.

MakeUp CloseUp

2010-08-24T19:21:00.001-07:00

Here's a little makeup closeup, I talk about my makeup patterns, I'd love to hear tips and tricks!

leaving town

2010-08-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

You would have to have lived in my shoes to fully understand how I feel about all this.

I'll try my best to explain...

I'm done running into people who still call me by my Christian name, I'm done feeling afraid of the fundamentalists around here who have attacked me before, I'm done doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I'm done.

At the end of this month, I'm going to depart from my little apartment here in Sacramento, and head towards the bay to start a new life. I have some friends down there and plan to make more. I've always been the kind of person that can reach into a tree and pull down an apple. I have charisma before I have money or looks, and I've always found like minded people to travel through this thing called life. I'm looking for a career and a place to live.

If I stayed here in sacramento it would likely kill me. Not to be overly dramatic, but this town has eaten me alive. It's the people mostly, I see people that I used to deal with. This town has toughned me up, I've seen the grimy things it has to offer, drugs, ragers, fast cars, danger, fire, and knives. Much of my life is in notebooks hidden away, I'll tell these stories when I'm a little bit further away from them, but I have such sites to show you. My heart is close to the streets, and I know I'll be able to survive on my own if need be, If I wasn't sure I'd move in with my mom and get another throw-away job and be unhappy, probably work and subsequently drink myself to death. The service industry is a viscous cycle.

This is serious business! this is my life, I'm grabbing it by the tits and riding it to the top. I'd like to quote the case of Big Fish V. Small Pond, I'm totally in the public eye here, I've always worked in customer service and been involved with activism, I'm an individual, I'm memorable, and it's made me a target. Simple as that, It's a fine idea for a person making the kind of transition I am to leave their hometown, to have the freedom to express themselves without negative encounters or meeting people who still gender you as male. I am a transperson here, I've been fighting the good fight but need to head to the big leagues. There's Food Not Bombs and plenty of help for people on their own. there's work in the city, dreams are fulfilled as often as they are chewed up and spit out, but I will likely find other fishies.that want to school up and make a big impact.

As long as the internet exists, I will keep blogging. As long as I have breath in my body, I will work towards equality and breaking down the walls that impede the pursuit of happiness. I will create a better life for myself and my fellow humans. No more suicides, no more depression, positivity and understanding that you can overcome anything, even if it takes a change of scenery (or genitalia). All is going to be well, I'nm going to be posting and posting and posting, writing, working on my story and video projects, yoga, stand-up comedy, letting my creativity flow.

This little light of mine... i'm going to let it shine.

girlsenberry

2010-08-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

Alllll right! I'm in my little footy sleeper, rocking out to the Strokes, eating boysenberry toast and drinking homemade chai tea (a recipe i stole from my most recent employer hehe). I'm excited, I'm getting my toothy finished today. I've been in a really crumby mood as a result of that, but sometimes bad things happen to good people, right? I KNOW it's going to happen today, so that stress is gone. I'm going to do a little bit of Yoga with my roomate, something I'm trying my best to explore right now my body and bones are calling out to be stretched and freed up. I want to stay this cute until I'mn in my hundreds, healthy living! I've been living on Veggie Juice, kinda a force cleanse due to not wanting to eat hard things. Culprit responsible? Frozen Yogurt magicshell stuff, that stuff can get really hard apparently, even in the hot california sun.

I'm feeling less like a total failure right now. I've got some video stuff in the pipeline, look forward to an update about my place, I feel as if a great adventure may be upon me. I feel like some sexy picture time is needed, I 'm feeling girly and happy and have a big awesome day of video and dentistry ahead of me!

Camera fun!

2010-08-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

Here's a little timelapse of me cleaning my room, starting to have some creative fun with the camera.
Hope you like it, I'll be posting something a little more wordy later this evening.

safe!

2010-08-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

On one of my recent posts, my "how am i going to overcome this?" post about trials and tribulations regarding my money situation. One of the comments I received was "I hope your next post is about finding a winning lottery ticket or something..." In many ways, this is that post.

I'm going to make it this month, and it looks like with time and dedication that things are going to work out. I feel as if for the first time I feel like things are actually moving in a positive direction, as if a great weight had been lifted. There's still trials and tribulations ahead, but this is what i've been working for. I feel so lucky to have the opportunities that I've had over the course of my life, with computers, the internet, video and the human experience, these experiences have allowed me to make the media that I do. This site means so much to me, top be able to share my story with everyone, get feedback and support when I need it, "web-authoring" has kept me moving forward, it's what I really want to do. It's introduced me to amazing people, people that have changed the course of my life dramatically, been kind and generous just for the sake of letting me be who I want to be. it's amazing, it gives me so much faith in other people... I think the cynic in me is dying everyday that Riley comes more alive.

For the first time in my life, I'm using a savings account. There's 1$ in there right now, but from this point on all of my PayPal donations will go towards my transition. I have nothing saved up for SRS, and hormones/permanent hair removal/Dr. Visits are constant reminders of how expensive this is going to be. I've set-up a budget and will likely be able to have rent/living money next month from cam performing and various other video projects, and all the donations will be saved up for my transition. I was talking about this to a good friend, an internet protocol focused kind-of guy, and he quipped "contributions should lead to content development" thats a really straightforward, emotionless way to say that I'm going to be becoming more myself everyday, fitter, happier, more productive, I'm going to be growing right in front of your eyes.

I feel creativity flowing from wells long thought dry, this is the prime-time of my life, and I will never forget those who helped me get here. I'm going to make a big plate of french toast and get to some Emails, thanks for being there for me, I'll be getting in contact with everybody in my inbox today, fresh start! The sun is shining, I have a home and people that care about me, this is where I want to be.

<3
more soon

what goes on

2010-08-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

I really hope you liked that last video, I think it went well, I am constantly in my head debating over weather its a dignified thing to do, if its actually helping anyone, maybe I'm doing more harm then good by being explicit. I've always thought the more information the better, and I try to keep it pretty real and I'm by no means an exhibitionist. But lets be honest, I do love attention, especially when its focused towards my feminine nature.

I wore a suit and tie and I watched as other people in suits buried one of my blood relatives today, just a long-lived life passing on, nothing to be sad about or cry about really. Seeing my family is always... well... tense would be a good word for the situation. Scottsdale is a hot place, the drive takes forever, and after losing my dayjob I look pretty worthless to them. I really thought, really really thought things were going to work out, I have this awesome place but when "yes, you're not going to be scheduled anymore" left my managers lips, my first thought and every thought after that was "How am I going to be able to afford this place, these hormones, how am I going to live?"

I think I've figured it out, but it might be too late. I've been more creative than ever, used my camera more than ever. I've been Cam Performing and getting more noticed in the "Adult" community, exploring new options and trying to make the best with what I have for now, I would love to have a career in performing/managing/adult content to fund documenting my transition, and in many ways the transition itself. Even in the last few weeks I've learned so much about my camera and editing both photos and video, practice and study is something I've never had time for, the stranglehold of the 9-5. I've been assaulted, stalked, harrassed, and had an overall shitty time in the Customer Service field, and working for myself, really putting in the 8+ hours a day, it's been rewarding and I know I have what it takes to be successful both in front of and behind the camera.

It's a funny thing, I'm not worried about rent next month, but this month I seriously have 4 days to come up with a couple hundred dollars I just don't have. I was denied unemployment, I'm appealing it, ImLive.com doesn't do well with address changes so the check that was going to save my butt is in check limbo at the moment. so needless to say, this is one of the most challenging points of my life, I've made it through so much and have such a journey ahead of me that I can't imagine taking a step back, it might just break me. Life is a complicated, tough mess sometimes, isn't it, I've seen so much already, It feels like I might be closer to either complete meltdown or smooth sailing depending on the next 4 days. Fun.

OK, enough pity, I have exciting stuff ahead for my friends out in bloggy land, I'll be keeping you posted! I hope this is the last time I have to beg for donations, I promise after the 15th it will all go towards my transition, and if not, well, they have computers in libraries don't they? Seriously, I don't want to have to sell my camera, bed or PC, which is basically all I own. Ask me about clothes you've seen in my videos or stuff like that, I'm basically selling everything I can to make it by the 15th.

Death, poverty, losing the things you love... theres nothing I can't handle...

HERE WE GO! YEAH!!!!!

Dungeon Quest 2

2010-08-08T13:04:00.001-07:00

Hey there friends! I went to the dungeon last night, it was *interesting*

I'll let the video speak for itself, but in summary the 3 main things I noticed...

1.) Very impact play oriented (whipping, flogging, caning, spanking)

2.) Bring your own kinky people

3.) Significantly younger than most folks there

I could see myself in that place again, the experience of going to that kind of dungeon event is kinda like a level-up, I feel more experienced, I'm less nervous about checking out other events. All went well, I kept my panties on and made it out alive and unscathed, but as single as ever.

Todays post was about last night, tomorrows post will be about today, August 8th.

Feel awesome today, listen to this song, and remember Joybubbles!

Dungeon Quest

2010-08-07T17:11:00.000-07:00

Hey there friends! I have a new little video of an adventure I'm going on tonight... more stuff tomorrow :)

mouseynight

2010-08-06T11:13:00.001-07:00

I've had a couple spooky nights lately, where I live is very old and last night I read this tale of lies before bed. I was sleeping soundly, until I was awoken, groggy, and it sounded like someone was scratching at the large double doors to my room. I freak out a little bit and keep on hearing listening, not sure what to do. Its dark and cold, I'm nakkies and in bed, I build up the courage to kick the door jamb enough to acknowledge I was there and I hear the tell tale sound of something hauling ass out of the room. I get up and turn on the lights, in late night scaredy-cat mode where I don't want to open the doors, thats the last thing I would do.

This place is oooold and there could be spooky energies! I know that sounds so silly but we all think a little different when awoken in the middle of the night. Long story short, pretty much every 45 second from then on, I would hear a *tck *tck *tck on my door, I'd rustle the door, mouse would haul ass, I'd get almost back to sleep, and then *tch*tck*tck. Theres been some construction so micey friends have been an issue, my roomate is anti-mousetrap, and the constructions going to be over this weekend. I guess it's ok to still be afraid of ghosts, but I think I might be more afraid of mice :P

Sniffles

2010-08-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

Hey there! Sooooo I've been kinda feeling awful lately, but no worries, I think I'm pretty much over this cold and almost back to form. I'd love to be out at all the Prop 8 celebrations tonight but I'm just not quite feeling up to it. Things are getting interesting here in California, more stuff sooooon!

srsly

2010-08-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

Big wedding today, such a special day!

wonder what it smells like

2010-07-29T15:49:00.000-07:00

saw this in a car on an air freshener today

Regressed

2010-07-28T11:17:00.001-07:00

It's been a stormy month for little Riley Kilo, I totally thought moving into this apartment and having this job would make my life steady for the first time, but no, the indie restaurant business is a fickle beast, and *of no fault of my own* i'm out of a job. We've covered this, but i have new things to say, I promise!

What I mainly wanted to talk about was how I felt after being fired, and what I did about it. I've always used diapers as a comfort thing, but I've never really used it to cope with "life stuff". When I would get frustrated before I would likely drink or do something else self destructive that just put me a step back. I thing of every other time in my life where I've been at this point of unemployment, I've been less than responsible but this time I decided to explore myself instead of trying to destroy.

I think that the worlds been pretty mean to me, so I'm going to turtle for a minute. I can't work face-to-face customer service anymore, I've had to many bad experiences, this last bit with my bosses was the last straw. I could see myself working somewhere nice, like a concierge, but I'm not dealing with the public, I've been in customer service for almost a decade now, 3 of that as a girl, I've done my time. I need to focus on my video endeavors and my transition, I need to feel safe, I've never felt that way, protected. This town is somewhat close minded and I always have issues with stalker-esq customers, all that awful-ness, thats always been my life. I need to explore and learn, travel and school, document my changes and the changing world around me.

Upon losing my job, I did a little bit of crying, but when I was home, settled, I found a little bit of peace, I put on a little bit of comfort music, I don't remember what now, and changed into a footy sleeper and a abri-form., lots of powder, happy with my pacifier and my music and soft cuddly things. I felt happy and didn't worry too much about what was going to happen. I got all relaxed and went to bed early, slept great and woke up the next morning to go find an office job. I had resumes printed at kinkos by 8, went to city and state college looking for ad listings, read the paper, did all my adult stuff, didn't get a chance to "regress" until much later in the evening, I had some friends over, but I still was dressed cute and diapered. Bedtimes in my new place have been lovely, I think that's whats been keeping me bright and happy, and work so hard to maintain it.

Let's wrap up the thoughts on this post

1.) I'm being more responsible with my stress management

2.) I'm comfortable with myself, it's the close-minded and hostile people that make me uncomfortable

3.) You're going to be seeing much more focused, positive, feminine me!

The last bits of roughness are coming to an end, but this firing was completely unexpected, so donations are VERY appreciated. If you donated in the past, I'm contacting you with my new "friends of Riley" site with naughty little videos just for you :) I'm going to be doing tons of awesome stuff for the folks who've donated and all my fans, so keep your eyes here!

dude wheres my job

2010-07-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I had a job at a hip little cafe/coffee shop/bar, but now I don't. I did a good job there, everyone was suprised to see me go, but it was a little work-at-will deal, keeping a steady hand under his piercing gaze was my failing, so I lost my job. It was all a complete shock, and

I'll be posting more positive, normal stuff soon, things where we learn things and I play with my breasts and tell of my adventures. Anyway, long story short, I'm feeling the pain of my fellow Californias, change always turns out for the better because I'm awesome and the people around me are awesome and life is just going to work out. Same sweet sunshiny girl, less coffee smell and more time to do the things that really matter.

just the beginning

2010-07-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

Here's a bit of an update of what's been going on in my life lately, happy to back making videos! I'm really finding a balance between work and the blog, I'm so happy with everything, I think the video really shows it. Awesome! Enjoy the video, more to come!

Home!

2010-07-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

Here's a video showing off my new place!

grrrrrvideo!

2010-07-23T15:52:00.001-07:00

I've spent all day trying to figure this out, check out my youtube > youtube.com/letsgetsrs - my bloggers acting up :(

Watch the videos!!!

Empty

2010-06-29T03:23:00.000-07:00

Yep... all alone again, luckily I have good neighbors, and friends over now and then, or I just might be lonely. Going from 1,000,000 to 1 is tough. Here's to the end of an era, moving onto the next great adventure!!!

E.M.P.T.Y.
by the Clientele

pride rock revisited

2010-06-28T08:05:00.001-07:00

It's good to be home! Even if home isn't going to be home for very long, it still has all my stuff in it. I ended up coming home before the parade on Sunday, but having been to Sacramento Pride last weekend, seeing the Transmarch on friday and the celebrations on Saturday gave me my fair share of pride.

There was a quote in Clerks, something like "I hate people, but I love gatherings, isn't that ironic?", I think that might be how I feel about this whole pride situation. First off, I don't really identify as "Gay". I'm bi, I've been with girls, I like girls, but I think that I could only really fall in love with a man. I appreciate women's beauty, and am sexually aroused by women, especially diaper girls, but I don't act on it, and usually pretend that I am the woman, not that man that cares for her, simply I want to be the fuckee instead of the fucker, but being a girl is a crucial part of my nature, both emotional and sexual, and its hard to feel like a girl when your putting your penis in someone. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel "gay", but I care very much about the love movement.

I felt like I was there to experience, to support. I do understand the negative reactionary nature of the parade dynamic but showing off our presence is important to those of us out there that maybe feel a little lonely, like there is nobody in the world that loves us, and this kind of thing is meant to dispel that. I felt touched at times, inspired, some of it was really sincere, that many people and that that much energy meant to just show love for sexual and gender non-normaltive people love is why so many people flock to pride, we need that love in this fear and hate-filled world.

But I digress, I was mostly there to see my ex-roomates new apartment, and tons of people were there to just drink cheap beer and suck 37 dicks, and more power to them, it's like a gay(er) burning man in the middle of a huge city, I highly recommend checking out the nearest to you big cities pride, it's craaaaazy.

More stuff soon!

saturdayayayay

2010-06-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

Hello internet! This is little Riley Kilo and i'm in big San Fransisco, Transmarch was yesterday, pride is today! Getting some good video for ya'll, busy, kinda wish i was at home resting for the crazy week of painting and moving, but if you have big city dreams, you have to live them out sometime! I'm probably going to be here until later in the evening, hoping to see some cool transpeople, kinky people and just cool people : ) More stuff soooooon!

i get up

2010-06-24T21:20:00.001-07:00

Marvin Gaye once spoke for all of mankind by asking... "What's going on?", and I'm here today to address that. Though I don't claim to know what's really going on, I can tell you some little details of where I've been, where I'm at, and where this very confident, very optimistic young woman is going. Here's whats going on, at least until it all changes again : )

Mones

1.) I'm still on hormones, and the last month or so I've felt like they are actually working :) I'm currently on a 50mg estradiol/6mg Spiro a day regiment, 2 pills with breakfast, 1 pill in the middle of the day, and then 2 pills with dinner. My breasts are growing slowly but surely, noticing some blonder hairs popping up where dark ones used to be, lots of little things that I'll be expanding on through this site and LetsGetSRS.com. I still get erections, I realize now that the title of this post has a sexual conentation, but it was unintended, I was just listening to this song...

Moves

2.) As I mentioned, my roommate moved out of my apartment, and I have a 2 bedroom place to myself... until around the 5th when i'll be out from under my psycho landlord and all the things I hate about this place. I've been here for roughly a year and a half and am glad to have the change. Living with my roommate kept me from filming as often as I'd like, mainly because of noise/people over/my own insecurities, and that time is over. I found a new place with another old friend, this one is very much on the same page as me, and I'm looking forward to sharing space with her. We're both somewhat recognized artists in my town, and I'm looking forward to collaborating, learning to sew and moving into this really awesome place where I can express myself however I want : )

Moola

3.) My landlord basically cheated my ex-roommate and I into paying an extra 100-something for this apartment before we move out, and she will likely do something equally awful with our massive deposits we paid for this place. I'm also going to be paying a little bit more at my new pace and *finally* paid off all my utilities here. Though I want to travel and explore, I feel blessed with this job I have and though there are lots of ups and downs its a good stepping stone to what I actually want to do, which is make a living producing professional digital video, and someday make my own creative work... and maybe own a bed&breakfast&dungeon&nursery : )

That's about it, meeting new people all the time, really positive, so busy I can barely see. I'm going to be blogging my ass off in the next few weeks, and have some exciting stuff coming up!

familiar strangers

2010-05-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a video I did on the 15th of this month, I plan to do another one, but I haven't entirely wrapped my head around some of the events following this video. I'm still on hormones, still growing everyday, still learning, adapting, experiencing life. More stuff soon! (Below is the pic of me and Chaz Bono woooo)

knockout bangup

2010-05-12T06:44:00.000-07:00

Lets go down the list...

I have a biiiig zit on my face, very noticeable, possibly the first one I've had in my adult life.

My legs are bashed and bruised from a nasty bike accident

My fingers are chewed to bits

My face still has a touch of stubble and feels raw from adapting to a electric razor. my body hair is in dire need of clear cutting.

These are the things I focus on when I look in the mirror, it gets me down, but I'm STILL a girl, just maybe not a pretty one right now. Days like this I would revert back to a butch look, jeans and a baggier T-shirt, not wear make-up and probably talk/think a little rougher than I usually do. I'm past that point now, I'm a girl, girls let their arms get hairy, girls get zits, girls ache and hurt and bleed and chew their nails and feel crappy and down sometimes too, sometimes we work 6 days straight and just don't have the time. Damn the media for giving us this perfect concept of a female to obsess and judge ourselves by, it's so easy to forget that none of it matters.

Flaws aside, I still put on a skirt and my pink tights, my clunky work shoes, blew dry my hair and put on a touch of makeup and smiled, all the blemishes glossed over in my mind, and standing in the mirror was a happy, complete girl : )

more stuff soon, day-by-day pictures coming back soon, buying a new camera on friday <3

Happiness

2010-05-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

A young woman came into my work, she was roughly my age & shape, wearing a cute headband, a summer dress and a big happy smile. I asked her how she was doing, and she said "oh, just awesome!" She seemed just so happy, shitfaced happy I like to call it. It seemed like she was just so confident in herself, a life of pink and pretty I wonder who I would be if I would have been born the way I feel now, if my set of circumstances with a diff genetic start would have made me a ftm, or a womyn, or maybe my stepdad would have been less rough if I was a girl (thought it, had to write it, less tragic than it sounds, will explore this later) On her check, she signed with the name Sunny, this was perfect, I saw her as the light at the end of the tunnel, and the halogens leading me out, the happy girl I would someday be.

I've spent a good portion of my life behind the counter of record shops and indie music and film venues, so I've established a great circle of music, film, and most importantly FRIENDS. So I'm happy with everything other than the rare times when someone genders me wrong. Those times are when my voice gets too masculine, some call my voice "smokey" or "classic", like Bette Midler or Janis Joplin, I'd like to think my voice is rosy. It's that roughness that IS me, and I'm not going to sacrifice the bits of me that make me me, and I'm not going to dwell on things that I can't change, like broad shoulders and big feet. If anyone asks me if I've seen Urijah Fabers last fight, I have, and I'm not going to hide that fact, but also learn and find new things to explore. I'm happy to say that I've been able to see and show the sunnier side of my life in recent months, and though there's little dark bits that come around, the summers starting and I'm more settled and positive than ever.

Happiness to me was always sad little song by Elliot Smith or a sonic, sarcastic Built to spill song, Happiness is also arguably the saddest film of all time. I was going to post a clip, but the "Father and Son" one on youtube is just so ridiculously dark, even more so out of the context of the film. I do recognize the need for a balance of the good stuff and the bad stuff, people die and hurt and they love and commune, warm fuzzies and cold pricklies. I'm just very much more into love and positivity right now, I'm more prone to pick up Annie Hall than Ichi The Killer these days, but that doesn't mean I don't still love both of them, and that I'm less of a woman for liking blood and gore as much as I love pink and pretty.

Happiness'll only happen when it can, and I think that my happiness-o-mometer is quite full, and I'm glad I can share it with you :)

grossness

2010-02-11T10:57:00.000-08:00

First time getting a cold since starting hormones... I'll write more later, need more OJ...

good girl

2010-01-29T23:31:00.000-08:00

This is out of nowhere but I've been really good about the drinking thing, tonight was the second time I had anything alcoholic to drink this year, and both times its been 1 beer in a social environment. Heavy drinking and going overboard with things like cocaine and ecstasy and hallucinogens was holding me back for a long time, I don't really like to talk about on here because it's not really who I am, but I'm just saying, I could write a book. Stopping all that stuff and coming out clean, healthy and police record free has made my life literally explode with positivity and progress. I never went to recovery or anything like that, mostly becoming a woman was a big thing for me. Everyone has dark spots in their life, it's part of growing up and learning how to live properly, they don't really teach that in school. I know many friends from my old circles that have gone off the deep end, and many of my friends today are people I used to do tons of drugs with, but have since cleaned up and become successful. To take a note from the Beatles in arrogent self-comparison, even Jesus Christ has a part in his life that he doesn't talk about.

It'll all come out in a tell-all book someday, lots of funny stories about crazy nights and drug induced antics, but I've always been sensible to never go too far, like use shoot stuff up or smoke a bunch of meth... even thinking about those things sounds like something out of a movie. All in all, life is fantastic, and I'm so positive right now that I feel as if I can express some things that I never could before, it all seems like the adventure of my life has led to this point and things are starting to get really interesting. I started writing about my new job in this post and started thinking about this, I feel empowered. Anyway, read that post maybe, and yeah, I don't know the rules on posting stuff on 2 blogs at once, I'm so conflicted... i'm too tired, much love, nighty night!

short lived relationship

2010-01-28T17:02:00.000-08:00

Quick summary of the last 2 posts. My friends girlfriends moms dad gave me a sex machine, and I've been lamenting about relationship problems i've had in the past, theres some funny stuff, tragic stuff, its a rollercoaster ride through the written word... to be serious, these last few months I've actually felt proud of my writing, yes it is a little stream of thought and I basically failed out of English in High School so I don't have some of the basics down, but I feel good about typing these words and I hope you feel good reading them.

But you know what doesn't feel good? Having a guy around for almost 7 months, him screwing you once and then completely malfunctions during sex to the point where he turns into a worthless pile of scrap metal?

Yeah, i'm a woman scorned, and it's all my fault. Our relationship, which was only based on sex to begin with, came to a loud, frustrating but possibly saveable disaster. This is the part the post where I stop talking as if the sex machine is a real person. I was happy with the video I shot in the last post, its kinda silly and fun I think, but I usually shoot a few videos if I wasn't 100% satisfied with the last one just to see if I can do it better. I kinda fix my hair, zip-up my little suit, and throw the towel over the machine and with the movement of the bed, it accidentally triggered the device and jammed the towel into the rotating mechanism. It stops hard and starts whirring louder than usual. I immediately unplug it and pull out the very tangled up towel. look it over and it seems fine... plug it in and it's dead. My brother and I tried to get this thing to work for hours, I think theres a simple option at any hardware store that would be under 5$, the battery and engine work fine, touchy but fine. I also wanted to point out that my brother has nothing invested in the sex machine, he just likes working on mechanical stuff, we've built many a computer together and love toying around with stuff, remember, this machine has been a family matter since the beginning!

About my robotic sex toy breaking down, it really made me sad, I kinda cried a little bit but then felt selfish and upset with the whole thing. I guess its for the best, it'll give me a a little engineering project to work on, maybe make in nice enough to sell, put in an Ipod dock or something. That sounds like a fun afternoon, reanimating the dismantled body of a one-night stand... oh, and, and this is the part of the post where I talk about my boyfriend, Bender, like he's a real person again. After our the first time, I cleaned up and everything and since I have a queen size bed, I didn't put him away, I just took the attachment off, turned on some brian eno and went to bed. In my state of slumber, I did cuddle with Bender a little bit, it sounds crazy, but just feeling the steel and weight next to me while I slept was... comforting.

I'm a pretty silly girl, and this is a pretty silly post, so just look forward to the next couple posts where I'll be talking about how I've trained my voice and even more cool stuff, and spread the word! If you're looking for video of me actually using the thing, I only did one and its clumsy, but strangely erotic. Contact me personally if you're interested in making a donation and getting access to this and other sexy videos of myself in a constantly updating private youtube channel... or you could always just send a donation anytime, it's tough out there for a girl like me, and I can use all the help I can get.

Thanks for reading, and even if Bender is unfixable, at least we can remember that one special time <3

love the one you plug in

2010-01-27T17:13:00.000-08:00

This is entry is about the machines we love and has a really positive message, I promise, but it does contain Graphic Content. My last post was about how much I want to be a positive beacon of the transgendered community, this post is about me getting penetrated by a robot.

I was helping a good friend of mines girlfriend, It's weird to say it like that, because she's my friend too... its just a reference point. Anyway, we were cleaning out a storage facility and I was helping her like any good friend would, plus I go to drive her really clean 69' Plymouth Barricuda. I really like classic Mopar cars, it comes from my Dad and a childhood of Vanishing Point but I wouldn't say its an entirely masculine thing for me. Byrne (which isn't even remotely her name, or even really a first mame, but i'm listening to the Talking Heads right now so thats her name), she drives a really sexy, powerful car and she's a very feminine genetic girl, stylish and very naturally girly, politicians wife look, muy caliente, and I know they're going to read this, but i'm just tellin' the truth. I just think the attraction is the power, I rode a motorcycle for a while in my teens, another sexy but a little more economical/deadly mode of gettin' around in style.

Back to the storage facility, there was a big pile of crap she was going to give to goodwill etc, there was a giant tool chest there, and opening it was like opening that suitcase in Pulp Fiction.

Bender Rodriguez, my boyfriend

*added note, me and youtube happened to end up with the same pic, if you want closeups let me know*

*let me clarify, closeups of the machine, not of me... well, maybe you can message me about that too*

Looking at all the parts made my mechanic bone tingle! Basically, her Dad had bought it online from some custom place, and her Mom was like "no way", and so the sex machine was passed to the next of kin, Byrne was at least brave enough to try it and then say "no way". So I ended up with it. It's pretty ridiculous, it uses those vacuu-lock attachments for strap-ons and luckily I had gotten one years ago, my Ex and I used a strap-on now and then, the vibrations were nice and it made me feel very girly... I may be a femme girl, but I can still top, strap-on or not. I don't prefer it, but i'll go into that more later. On the surface, the "fucking machine" is hilarious and noisy, just watch the video for the details on the actual device.

Since I've gotten it I've shown it to just about everyone thats come over and had tons of laughs, but I didn't use it until saturday night, it just kinda stayed hidden away. I a little afraid of it, I doubt I could sell it for anything plus it was a gift, so it just sat there. Anyway, I was going to go out the other night as I mentioned in my last post, I was really disappointed and pretty desperate for human contact. I'm not sure how the hormones factor into this all, but I definitely wanted to be with someone that night more than I ever have in my entire life, on the s-e-x topic, here's a couple fun facts about me:

1.) I've never been in anything anyone would call a legitimate romantic relationship

2.) I'm completely STD free and very paranoid about catching something

3.) 33% of my sexual experience has been friends-with-benefits, 33% is split through a few shortlived girlfriends, 33% has been with someone that looks, sounds and occasionally acts like Simon Cowell. The last 1% is available on MistressTrainsHerSissy.com.

4.) The only thing stronger than my loneliness is my fear of being hurt

Needless to say, I'm kinda lonely and want sex, but am not about to just go and find someone at a regular bar, Its hard to meet people when you're trans and you pass well without going to a specific place where people know to go meet transgirls, and the once-a-month club I was heading to was that kind of place. So when I didn't get to go, I was horny and dissapointed, my roomate was gone and so I got out the sex machine. My first time with it was clumsy at best, I had the camera rolling when I did it but the video is pretty sad. I look like a total virgin and it took some time to get myself positioned right, at first I saw it as a huge sex toy, but once I had it inside me I realized how much of a people simulator it was meant to be. It felt really nice for a minute, and for a fleeting moment I actually felt like someone was on my bed, penetrating me, and it felt really nice. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like that, its been a good year or so, but once it was gone, I was still alone, in my room with a noisy chunk of metal... I need to paint it pink or something.

All the information above comes down to this, people need companionship and can often times find it in machines, either through being a part of an online community, immersing yourself in video games, or by simply letting a robot fuck you

coalition of the willing

2010-01-25T20:28:00.000-08:00

This post consists of 99% awesome, and one thing that wasn't cool, but turned out ok.

Let's start with the awesome, shall we?

Most of us have thought about when Uncle Ben said "With great power comes great responsibility", to me it's always meant that one's actions effect more than we know. Being public about being trans means that I am a representation of a minority group, and my responsibility is working towards opening paths for people like me, simply making it less likely for transgendered people to get hassled, depressed or ostracized. Mind you, I'm not saying that being trans and not involved in activism makes you a proverbial Uncle Tom, most people don't have the freedom and arrogance that I do and many have had greater struggles than myself, either in life or in coming to terms with gender. Plus, regardless of who you are, do your own thing, just because you are part of a community doesn't mean it should restrict you from or force you into anything.

I feel like the rough spots in my life wouldn't be so rough if I had the opportunities that a cisgendered, or nontransgendered, person has, especially in aspects such as employment, safety and healthcare, both physical and psychological. I was into activism as a younger person, but fell into a more introverted pattern of "the only way to change other people is to change yourself" but thats heady and philisophical and has very little bearing on reality. You need to get your mitts dirty to really change things, and that's what's i'm doing. When I left Target its really the first time in my adult life I'm not spending 40+ hours a week doing something menial just to survive and spending the rest of my time trying to forget those hours. Though I'm honestly not sure how I'm going to pay rent at the end of this month, I'd take just about any job right now and unemployment won't give me a dime, with my free time and 'mitts' I've been planting whatever seeds I can in the asphalt of this city.

Other than the usual stuff like being involved in events like the rainbow festival and trans remembrance day to rally's and sign waiving, I've been getting more involved with Equality California and a forming transgendered coalition. The latter is really exciting, we're getting all the local support groups united and putting the doctors, services etc. under one directory, as well as working towards getting space and funding for a transgendered health center. There's also a trans summit coming to California that we're hosting, so there's lots to do. I'm on the groundfloor of this, but the people from EQCA have been getting this started for a while, and I feel very new and eager to help, but also unexperienced... I'm learning from some really empowered people, theres only a few people involved so far but things are moving surprisingly fast, the transcenter is getting very close to reality.

Pride this year is also going to be a big deal, they're having it in front of the capitol building in the capitol of California, Sacramento, it's no San Fransisco Pride but it's still pretty big. We're really going to up the transgenderered representation this year, something that couldn't really happen as a bunch of smaller groups and I'm hoping that will bring the gay and the trans community together a little bit more, last years pride it felt like the transpeople were kinda transparent, no pun intended. I'm super excited about getting out there, and I totally have the confidence to get out there and kick-ass for gender rights.

The other thing I was going to talk about... well, forget it. It was just me complaining about my trip to the rare fetish event I go to failed. I was all made up and sexy and was going to try out for this fetish pageant, something I think i could have succeeded in, had a skit made up and was in a garters and stockings and everything, but i never even left the house due to massive amounts of failure by multiple parties, including myself. I do look forward to these nights, its cheap to go out now that I don't drink and its totally a big confidence boost, but whatever. There's more to that night that I haven't told you about, long story short, I had my robot virginity taken.

More stuff soon, including an explanation of that last line.

whatever floats your quote

2010-01-24T23:59:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend today, and in a deep conversation on the dynamics of gender, cisgenderism and being perceived as a woman, she dropped this logic on me...

"the pressure on trans people to 'pass' is the pressure of most people not wanting us to exist"

This made me really think about how much I do is for my own safety. Even in liberal california, I bet if I went down to the mall or Target while not passing but wearing what I usually wear, I'd encounter negativity of an unpredictable nature, from jeers to bbq sauce packets to full fledged assault. Even just facial hair, if I didn't shave my face everyday, sometimes once in the morning and once in the evening, I wouldn't dream of going out as a girl. It doesn't make me sad or upset as much as it illustrates a simple point, I just don't really know what that point is... maybe that once the populace understands transpeople and further gender boundries are broken down alot of the stress, fear and anxiety of being trans, all the bad stuff, might just go away.

Quotes are best pondered in ones own head, so think about it, and maybe let me know if anythings inspired you lately :)

old and new and new

2010-01-23T21:03:00.000-08:00

Hey there! It's been over 2 weeks since I started hormones, and things are going smoothly. I have felt sick in the morning a couple times, but only puked that once. I've had to really regulate my sleeping schedule where I can take the hormones at the same time everyday. I take my first pill of spiro and my estrogen with tea and fruit or a Luna bar or something to that effect. I've been feeling ver confident about the changes that are starting to happen, but still no big developments. My breasts are much more tender than they have been, but thats about it, other than needing to pee ALL the time because of the diuretic property of Spiro.

Here's a couple before and after pics I made, not terribly flattering but they illustrate how far i've come, and I'm definitely not going to let myself look that manly (or high) anymore. I have tons of old party pictures i'l share with you someday, but they just bring back memories of a time when I cared a lot less about my well being.

Here's a recent progress picture, more of a full body pic to show off my forming curves. These pics are going to be priceless to me when I'm all the way through my transition, expect more and more, I'm looking forward to having a flip-book of my whole transition. If you're going through what I am, try this too, it just takes a camera and a few seconds a day :)

Hope you like the pics and keep checking back for more!

if you want to sing out, sing out

2010-01-22T23:56:00.000-08:00

Probably the first time I felt like I truly "passed" as a girl was when I was very young, long before i knew what hormones or even the word transgendered was. Whenever people called, it was always "Hello darlin' is your mommy or daddy home?" or "hello miss, is there an adult I can speak to?" or more recently "Hello ma'am, this is first credit looking for [my legal name]" then I can easily dodge them by saying "that no good brother of mine done got run over by a tractor" and the creditors leave me alone for a little while.

Seriously though, ones voice is a major indicator of gender. Lots of women have deep voices, either a smokey little love about you baby voice to a sultry temptress voice. Most people have commented on my voice saying that I sound like a woman who's smoked cigarettes. I have smoked for a portion of my life and just recently quit, so that frogginess will eventually clear up, but if anything it just gives em an excuse for having a deep voice.

When I was a young person I visited speech therapy. The only thing I remember about it was playing Hi-Ho cherry with a person in a lab coat, and there was a big water cooler but it was probably just a regular size one because I was little back then, around 5 or 6. I would get so upset that I would lose my voice with crying and stuff, I was pretty emotional as a little one. I hardly ever think about it, but you'll never catch me yelling. Not at a sporting event, or at a friend across the street, or if I slam my hand into a car door, I just always catch myself if I'm about to and just let out a muted version of whatever I was going to yell.

I guess thats good, but not being overly boistrous is just a small part of pulling off a feminine voice. One of the things i've learned from the various sources i've visited is always ending a sentence with an upwards inflection... but thats terrible hard to explain without actually showing, so next post illl feature the video, it's too difficult to explain this stuff without it, so look forward to that. I'll be posting some links in my next post as well to places that specialize in femme voice training. Keep checking back!

SRS FAQ

2010-01-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

Hey there! I made a little video clearing up some of the big details of my life... enjoy! More pics, stories and experiences coming soooooooon!

name trail

2010-01-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

Hey there friends. In my hands I hold a vital part of my transition, my name change forms.... so lets talk about names, shall we?

My name isn't Riley Kilo. It's a made up name thats very dear to me, I perk my ears up when I hear "Riley!" in public. But its not my real name, its not the name my friends know me by. At this point in my bloggy career, I don't really want to give out my legal name, or what I'm going to change it to. My birth name, my "christian" name as I like to call it, is very masculine, and the name I've gone by in my everyday life for the last 4 years is a name that can be both feminine and masculine, kinda like Riley.

I filled out all the info today, and I'm going in monday for this little tutorial on how to change your name they give, and after I make copies I'll be on my way to being just a little closer to a legal woman. I'll still have the M on the liscnese, but that'll change too... someday.

I'm feeling fine today, no sickness or anything, my breasts are getting a little more tender than usual, but thats about it. It's a slow process, but I can feel my little girly wheels starting to spin :)

More soon :)

Day 4 pic

waking up feeling young and limber

2010-01-07T23:43:00.000-08:00

First-First - I fell asleep writing this post last night, I was 99% done and listening to the band mentioned below, they have some dreamy melodic stuff, I just started dozing off and thought "I'll just lay down for a second", and I fall right to sleep... so here's what I wrote last night...

First, title is a ref. to one of my favorite songs - My Morning Jackets "One Big Holiday", the sound is actually pretty decent for a live cam situation.

2nd, last night, I took my pill with some pretty tame flatnoodle and veggies stir-fry and went to bed feeling fine. I woke up this morning, almost immediatly had some oatmeal with a apple cut up in it. There were little bits of icky stomach feeling, but not even close to puking or doing anything of the sort. I guess it was just a little fluke, i've been busy all day and have al ittle skip to my step knowing that I'm finally on spiro, I just got home, its pretty late and I just took my second pill and ate a hand full of almonds, they say drowsyness can be a side effect and i'm feeling that right now...

Day 3 Picture

whaarrgglrlrbbll

2010-01-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

Went to bed last night feeling fine, no big anything, had a big healthy burrito for dinner, went to bed around 10 or 11, fell asleep to an old Mr. Show episode :)

I woke up at around six, started some tea and got online, I was instructed to take it in the morning and at night, and I wasn't realyl terribly hungry, was going to drink a glass of tea and take my pill, then have a whole wheat english muffin (with a bit of apple butter). I sat down at around 6:15, had a glass of the same green tea I drink most every morning, took my minty little pill, and totally puked like 15 minutes later, out of nowhere. I was just sitting editing a video for my RileyKilo site, and all of a sudden i was like, uuuuugh and ran to the bathroom. I felt fine almost immediatly afterwards, and it was a little early to call someone, so I just made a muffin and got a glass of water. I was pretty worried, but its one of the side-effects, so I just waited to call before getting all worried.

I feel fine now, I called the pharmacist and they said it was ok if I was feeling normal, and to take my other pill with food and call my Dr. if the next one makes me ralph. So tonight I think I'm going to make something pretty tame and bland, and take it around 8, I don't like to eat too late. I'll just have to start my day with food and tea and eat earlier so I'm not full in the morning. I hope this one doesn't make me yak. I've felt good all day, i've been busy all day and haven't really thought about it. I also hope I at least got some benefit from that pill, I hope I just didn't just (funny word for vomit) it out.

More stuff soon!

Day 2 Picture

First Day Of Spiro!!!

2010-01-05T16:39:00.000-08:00

Hey there everyone! I made a little video talking all about my first day of Spiro :)

As I mentioned in the video, I haven't been terribly consistent with my videos or posts, but I'm just starting Spiro now, which is the next big step in hormones. If you're reading this and don't know what Spiro is, check this out, specifically the section on Anti-Androgens, you'll see what i'm taking there. It's a pretty big deal, I'm still on 2mg Estrogen, and I'm starting 2 daily pills of Spironolactone at 25 mg a piece. I have a friend who is very much like me, she's on 8mg Estrogen and 200mg Spiro, and I'll probably eventually be there, but I want to work my way up. The Dr. actually asked if I wanted to goto 3mg Estrogen, but I declined and might start that after feeling how Spiro works with my body.

The pills kinda taste like minty little bits, not very fun, but thats no big deal. I do feel very girly right now, but that can't be helped, I got a new haircut, feeling very new right now. Another new thing is this pic of my tiny growing breasts, I just got my room all cute and feel pretty comfortable and confident right now... so here's me after almost 6 months of low-dose estrogen, and about 4 hours of Spiro :)

I'm a very excited girl to be starting all this, life is good, more stuff tooooomorrrowwww

Wedding Bells

2009-11-23T08:42:00.000-08:00

As I had mentioned before, I was recently best man at my brothers wedding, an honor I would have to sacrifice parts of my nature to participate in. This post is about sacrifice and how it can occasionally lead to steak fries.

The wedding was in San Diego, a beautiful city I've frequented in the past, mostly the OceanBeach area, I've had some great memories there and in the too close for comfort Tijuana. But this trip was going to be different, I was staying in a hotel packed with family and there would be no Mexico shenanagins or sex on the beach. I was excited to come, but the big difference is that I'm going to be a man this time. To avoid any unneeded confusion etc. with the 150+ in-laws I was about to give a toast in front of, I packed only androgynous clothes and my family called me by my masculine legal name, the one they've known me as a good portion of my whole life, at least until the last few years. My parents/sibling are relatively supportive of my transition, there's love in my family but we dont see each other terribly often, I do keep it feminine at the rare family function and have never gotten a "what you are doing is wrong" speech.

It was strange being perceived as a male, I'm so used to getting the little thrill of hearing She when someone addresses me, and my legal name is very foreign to me. I barely had anything

appropriate to wear, all my clothes are cute and femme, I had to borrow from my roommate a bunch of t-shirts from his old band, it looked like I was really into a high-school emo band I had never even heard. The clothes was part of it, I wore panties under my clothes still, but I felt out of place, and realize how much I treasure the opportunity to express myself through my clothing. I felt as if my personality was the only thing that remained, but even that was a little stunted, I didn't worry about the octave of my voice, or if I had a 5 oclock shadow. It was easy going back to a guy, but I still shaved my body and face and kept as femme as I could as a boy, I didn't want to get to comfortable being a guy.

I think the most profound difference was how I was treated by men, I'm used to being treated somewhat delicately, from doors being opened to just the way people look at me and communicate with me. As someone who focuses alot of thought on the gender spectrum and that's seen both sides now I notice the drastic differences in looks, how men generally ignore you as a man, and women are either cautious or curious, depending on how you look as a man. I also felt the competitive nature of men when talking with men, especially my wealthy, conservative new in-laws, everything is somewhat of a one-upping competition, and I felt pretty emasculated, I'm sure I was the only guy there that didn't treasure their masculinity. It's a horrible word, but for the first time in a long time that I didn't feel like a girl, or a proud member of the GLBT community... I felt like a fag, worthless and perverted, a misshapen genderless thing, and it didn't feel right.

Of course I felt this way, I forced myself to revert back toa mindset that brought me a great deal of insucurity. If I wore a barrel and didn't shower around my family I wouldn't feel

very good either, and it would be as out-of-character as me wearing a tuxedo. At first I thought it would be fun to get all fancy and dressed up, then I started dreading it, but after a couple drinks and my toast (which killed) I felt pretty comfortable. People could tell I was in the creative field, and that generally eases peoples tensions, a sub-culture actor gets more leniency than a sub-culture PC technician, and trust me, I've been both. I was doing video for the event so I didn't have to really talk to anyone for terribly long, and will remember the wedding as a wonderful experience that I had to make some personal exceptions for, but it was worth it. Probably the best time I had was going to a yummy little Mexican place my brother visits everytime he's in SD. It was just us, so I could express myself as I do around him, femininely, and I had the best carne asada fries I've ever had, it was just steak on cheese on guac on fries, and probably took a year off of my life, but they were soooooo good. I beat my brother at Marvel Vs. Capcom on a stand-up arcade there, I'm so used to him beating me at MvC2 on the 360 that this was a welcome ego boost. It also reminds me that no matter what i'm wearing or how I'm perceived, there's still a potential for happiness, even if that happiness is limited to fighting games and fatty foods.

Big Red Bullsye pt. 2

2009-11-17T09:08:00.001-08:00

Read this firs t, or here's a quick summary - I've worked at Target for around a year, I had been threatened and assaulted by customers so I quit for a while and transferred stores. Our story begins as I start my first day at my new store, dressed cute (of course) and excited to start...

Happily hired, I was sitting in the office of my new Executive Team Leader, my boss, just about to go out on the floor for the first day of work at my new Target. I wanted to make sure I was plenty cute and proper so I asked where the employee restrooms were. I was told that there were no employees restrooms, gender-neutral or 'family' bathrooms, this was not good, I panicked a little in my head. My last store had single room bathrooms in the back, I thought every Target did, or at least had a family restroom due to the fact that the place is packed with kids all day, but no, nothing. A Mens room and a Womens room at the very front of the store, right next to the cash registers where at just about any time of the day 25+ people are just standing around.

To be honest, I was worried at first, but for the first few months I wasn't getting many hours and whenever I went to the stores around the Target I was always able to use their restrooms whenever I needed. There were a couple times when I took breaks early or was late to return because there was a line or something to the Peet's Coffee bathroom, but I never really stressed out until very recently. I've been keeping healthier and working longer shifts, and the hormones are starting to have a bit more profound of an effect on me, and part of that being needing to pee more often.

One day about 3 hours into my shift my body decides it really needs to pee, it was a hot day so I was drinking water, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm by myself in Electronics, the other girl was on lunch and so I walked to see if anyone else could cover. No one responded, so I just waited, crossing my legs, keeping my hands busy until I could get covered. Half an hour of doing the "potty dance" and she finally comes back, I throw my keys at her and head over to Peets, the bathroom has a huge line. CVS? Bathrooms locked, took the lady 5 minutes to unlock the door to the out-of-order single-room restroom. Someone has the keys to the AMPM bathroom, and I've been gone for 20 minutes on a 15 min. break so I call work from my cell, tell them I'll be back eventually, and I'm literally at risk of wetting my pants at this point and my kidneys feel like someone did the Eagle Claw on them like that old Danny Bonaduce infomercial.

I'd like to clarify a couple things in this story, a little background I guess. I can't use public restrooms. I've been harassed, stared at, threatened and followed for using public restrooms, being called out in a women's room is a big fear for transgirls, a worst nightmare situation. I also worked with 300+ men and women, many I didn't know and many pretty tough and not accepting of trans-people, these individuals ignored me, and I considered to be on friendly terms with everyone there, but I used the women's room one time there around when I first started, and saw a 180 in many of the women's behavior around me, one more time and I could end up in a creek again. It's clearly not a safe situation, no matter how well I pass as a girl, that's why they have gender neutral restrooms!!!

The other thing is a little obvious, but I love diapers, I love wearing them, wetting them, I fantasize about losing control, bedwetting etc. But this is real life, not a fantasy, and I wasn't thinking anything about wetting or anything, all I wanted was a toilet. I'm expecting people to E-mail and say that the solution would be wearing a diaper, but I still have never found a diaper I could 100% trust, plus I would go from wearing cute clothes to bulky formless clothes because I would have to wear a Abri-Form or something. Diapers are not a real-life solution for this problem, and my recent need to pee more isn't due to "untraining", but now that I'm not working directly with the public anymore, that might be an idea, but I don't know if I ever want to go through what I did at work, I seriously think I damaged my kidneys.

I walked a couple blocks further to a Panda Express and made it clear that I NEEDED to use their restroom, and they let me, even though they forced me to buy a 3$ SOBE. I walked back to work feeling light, and still feeling like I kinda needed to pee, but more than anything I felt angry with target for not having a bathroom. I walked to the back office after being gone for close to an hour, and walked directly to my bosses office and gave him a "ok, time for a talk" look. I told him my issue, and after almost a month of emails, calls, meetings, reports, I quit. The best thing they could come up with was every time I wanted to use the restroom they'd clear it out and have someone stand by the door, which is not cool. I have an interview with OSHA about this on Feb. 25th 2010, the earliest they could get me in, and haven't pursued anything legally, I've done research on my rights here, and I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can do.

So I left, I was making minimum wage plus 10 cents, I was starting to get some pretty stalker-esq customers who would come in looking just for me, and people who just act pervy and creepy. I guess that's just part of being a woman, but being a trans-girl makes it that much more dangerous. I had also been threatened by a group of big teenagers that comes into the store all the time, which makes me sound pathetic, but I'm pretty small and kids these days are pretty vigilant. I'm an unemployed girl right now, but I've got big things in store, and look forward to seeing this site flourish, as well as myself. I'm probably in the worst financial situation I've ever been in, but I'm starting to really explore my life, my future, my sexuality and my creativity more than ever. So needless to say, adversity breeds inspiration, and I'm going to overcome all the bad stuff, the drama, the fear, its all over now and things are just going to get better and better!

the how of the hormones

2009-11-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

About 6 months ago I reconnected with an old friend, we went to Junior Prom together, and she was a stripper until she slipped off the stage and fell on a champagne glass, she works at Lowe’s now. I saw her chain-smoking and sucking down mimosas (at 11:00 AM, mind you) in front of a local café, so I stopped and chatted, she said her parents were paying for her therapist, a self described “glorified drug dealer”. She invited me to sit in on her session, which I declined at first, but after a mimosa or 2 I decided it might be interesting, plus I thought I might be able to convince/sucker him into signing off on my hormones. We goto the session, they chat for 5 minutes, and I get his card. I asked about the hormones, and he didn’t seem to have any clue but was open to hear what I had to say. I got his card and he said I seemed like a relatively sane person, which was a plus.

At this point in the process I had found a doctor that was able to give hormone prescriptions, had seen an Endocrinologist to get my bill of good health, and now just needed to convince my doctor I was good to go. Some life stuff happened, and I waited a month or so to contact the therapist, I had just started getting healthcare through my employer and was very excited to start the change. I called the therapist, and he told me that he would give me the go ahead if I came in for a session after talking to him like a person, not as a patient, for about 10 minutes. I felt very confident as a girl speaking with him, and he treated me as a girl, as opposed to as a transgirl like my previous therapist. Things were going very well.

In that week is when the death threat happened at Target, and I fell into a depression for a bit, mostly about potentially losing my healthcare. I couldn’t afford to see the therapist, and since my doctor already had my insurance stuff I hoped that my insurance still stayed, which it did. I went in, somewhat lied about seeing a therapist, and my somewhat clueless Dr. wrote me the prescription for Estrogen. I ran to the Rite-aid like little Charlie Bucket with his golden ticket, and made an appointment to see her in a month. I came in for that appointment, I felt fine and nothing changed, so it was a quick in and out. I haven’t seen her since. Planned Parenthood in my town is where I plan to get my hormones from now on, I’ve been hoping to get Spiro, but can’t afford the tests at the moment, I currently am without insurance and jobless and don’t really know when I’ll have insurance again, thank god for Planned Parenthood, right?

So this is the WHOLE story of my hormones, I don’t really know where I’m going to go from here, I have another 8 months of Estrogen, and will probably ramp up the dosage before then. I really have no idea what the right thing to do is, so I’m putting a lot of faith in these doctors, lets hope everything works out!